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Alright! It’s time for the 2014 Video Music Awards on MTV because as we all know if you want to music on video, you turn to MTV! Sorry You Tube, MTV is still king of it all! Ahem, anyway, the red carpet pre-show is still going on apparently. Crud, I am early. Oh well, I have a six pack of Grape Crush and a mountain of cocaine by the laptop, so I am ready for this! Lucy Hale from a show called Pretty Little Liars is the host of the pre-show. That makes sense. She is pretty, she is little, and I can only assume she is also a liar.
8:58p – Katy Perry rolls up in the modern version of Doc Brown’s DeLorean.
9:00p – Opening number. Arianna Grande steps out of a space capsule wearing her space lingerie and shows off her amazing dance in place skills. She spins, she raises her right arm, and she walks back and forth because dancing!
9:02p – Nikki Minaj suddenly appears dressed as Poison Ivy from Batman. Her backup dancers are dressed like lizards. I wish I was high, but I’m not, this is really happening.
9:03p – Twerking
9:04p – Jesse J takes over with her new song Bang Bang. Jesse is wearing a shirt with no sides. Arianna joins her. She has changed out of her space lingerie and is wearing Madonna’s old underwear. Nikki appears and her costume change did not go well because she has to hold the front of her dress closed for the rest of the number to avoid showing everyone her Minaj.
9:07p – The number is over and after a brief intro credit montage we get Gwen Stefani and Snoop Dog. Snoop begins to list the neighborhoods that surround L.A. and calls Gwen punk rock. Snoop is high. Gwen ain’t punk. They are here to announce the winner of Best Female Video. Katy Perry wins. Katy is dressed in a blue Versace dress made out of denim and sweat shop workers tears.
9:11p – Jay Pharaoh from SNL is introduced. He is here to do two minutes of stand up about Nikki Minaj’s Anaconda video. He then makes pedophile jokes about Arianna Grande. Those do not do as well as the Nikki Minaj has a big butt jokes. He tells us to text our votes for the Artist to Watch Award. Pass.
9:15p – Commercials
9:19p – Lorde is announced. She is dressed in a black sequin pants suit. She introduces her “friend” Taylor Swift who once upon a time was a country star who sang alone with a guitar about her ex-boyfriends. Now Taylor is on stage wearing a Charo “cuchi-cuchi” outfit doing a pop number surrounded by 20 dancers in tuxedos. Taylor stops her number and refuses to leap to her death off of a piece of set dressing. She mumbles something about snakes, walks down off the stage and resumes her dance pop number and waves bye bye to the Billboard country chart.
9:24p – A grizzled Chelsea Handler is introduced. Chelsea is here to present the “moon man” for Best Male Video. Ed Sheeran wins for the song Sing. Ed is wearing his best jeans and button up oxford.
9:27p – Becky G and Jason Derulo are backstage making me weep for the future as they mumble and talk in text speak about the people on the red carpet. How crap, they are talking at breakneck speed and saying the most asinine things! Make them go away! Oh wait, Jason flees and they bring out Ingrid Nilsen and she and Becky do a not so subtle live commercial for Covergirl.
9:31p – Jay Z is announced but psych! it’s really Jay Pharoah again doing a bad Jay Z impersonation. Now fake Jay Z is telling me to vote for Artist to Watch. Nope. Not gonna do it.
9:33p – Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are introduced because their movie studio paid to have them out to plug Dumber and Dumber 2. They are both drunk and seem to be doing a bad Abbot and Costello number. They mention Coachella and Burning Man and play with a scarf.
There is no booze left in the Green Room because I am watching it all on TV right now. Jeff reels in Jim and announces the nominees for Best Pop Video. Arianna Grande wins the moon man and leaves Jeff Daniels hanging. Poor Jeff, the guy was in Purple Rose of Cairo and now some pop diva ignores him for Fire Marshall Bill.
Don’t feel bad Jeff, Arianna apparently does this to lots of people.
9:37p – Kim Kardashian and her boobs walk on stage. Kim is wearing a beaded welcome mat and no bra. She introduces her “friend” Sam Smith who has a lovely boring song. Oh God, it’s so boring. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
9:41p – Rachel Ora is here to do a live commercial for Degree for Women. She threatens to kill me if I go anywhere.
9:42p – Commercials
9:46p – Common is introduced. Common is here to bring the room down and he does with gusto. Common brings up the riots in Ferguson, Missouri, sucking the party atmosphere out of the building. He then segues that to hip hop and calls for a moment of silence. After that, we have the nominees for Best Hip Hop Video. Drake wins but isn’t there. Common accepts on his behalf and leaves to go ruin someone else’s party with photos of the Holocaust.
9:49p – Commercials
9:53p – Kanye West is introduced but nope, it’s Jay Pharoah again. This time he’s funny though. Jay really wants us to vote for Artist to Watch. I think he gets royalties from each vote. I’m on to you Pharoah!
9:56p – Three actresses from Orange is the New Black are introduced but the announcer jumbles their names and I don’t watch the show so I don’t know who they are. Uzo Aduba and Laverne Cox and someone else. They talk about shivving people and get huge applause. They announce a performance by Usher and Nikki Minaj. Their performance is upbeat and fun.
10:02p – Commercials
10:06p – Austin Mahone is in the control room telling us to go online and do something. He is wearing Michael Jackson’s outfit from Captain EO.
10:07p – Two more people who I can’t hear the names of are introduced. They announce the nominees for Best Rock Video. Lorde wins for a song about the baseball team in Kansas City.
10:10p – Commercials
10:15p – Christina Garibaldi brings us back with a live commercial for Caress soap. Soap, it keeps you clean!
10:16p – Dylan O’Brien and Hit Girl come out to reminisce about the 1990’s when they were 3 years old. Chloë Grace Moretz was born in 1997 for the love of Pete. Anyway, they introduce 5 Seconds of Summer who are from Australia. Wow, what a bunch of empty haircuts. Pass.
10:20p – Commercials
10:24p – Jay Pharoah is back as himself to actually announce the winners for Artist to Watch. I can only assume whoever wins will be watched 24/7 for the rest of the year. Fifth Harmony wins. We will now watch them. Forever.
10:26p – Robin Williams tribute montage begins with no intro and ends 12 seconds later with no explanation.
10:27p – Christina Garibaldi follows the odd tribute with a live commercial read for TRESemmé which I think was a show on HBO.
10:28p – Commercials
10:31p – Jenny from the block is introduced. She is here to introduce Iggy Pop. I mean Iggy Azalea. Iggy sings Black Widow with Rita Ora who I assume is wearing Degree for Women.
10:36p – Commercials
10:40 – Demi Lovato with her plunging neckline and Jason Derulo introduce Maroon 5 who are outside the building performing to the crowd in the parking lot.
10:45p – We are back inside now with Jimmy Kimmel, I mean Fallon. He introduces Hug Cam and dances to Cotton Eyed Joe. No one hugs. High Five cam comes next. After that fails and the Give the person next to you $5 cam fails, he announces the nominees for Video of the Year. Miley Cyrus and Wrecking Ball win. Miley sends some dude on stage to read a note about runaways and their plight while Miley sits in the audience and weeps. Turns out the young nameless man reading the note is a homeless runaway himself and the guy who just did the “Give the Person Next to You $5” does not reach for his wallet.
Help the runaways y’all!
10:49p – We’re back outside where Maroon 5 are still performing to the crowd unaware that the show is now about homeless runaways and their struggle to wander into Miley Cyrus’ life so they can be invited to the VMAs.
10:50p – Commercials
10:55p – Beyonce appears and the world stops. She is on stage singing surrounded by the daughters of the chicks in Robert Palmer’s Simply Irresistible video. Beyonce is wearing a dress made out of stained glass and uses it to entertain the shit out of us. It’s an epic performance.
11:12p – Beyonce finishes and the world spins again. Jay Z and their daughter walk on stage to present her with the Vanguard Award. She gives a very modest thank you speech considering everyone in the building wants to shower her with endless affection.
11:14p – Arianna Grande is back doing the exact same thing that she did at 9:00pm because MTV has ended the 2014 Video Music Awards and immediately started to rebroadcast the 2014 Video Music Awards. WTF? I am not watching this shit again. Nice try MTV! I’m outta here.
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