The staff of Long Awkward Pause would like to take a moment to wish you and your family a very happy and safe Thanksgiving. We would also like to thank you, the readers of the website, the followers on Twitter and Tumblr, the Facebook viewers, and the podcast listeners. So, as we gather around the office with our families, friends, and the stray dog that hangs around the back alley, we would like to share just a little tiny bit of your Thanksgiving day with what we are thankful for….
And what we are not thankful for…
Ned
Thankful for: As with each Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for not having anyone in my immediate family who is a vegetarian, vegan, lactose intolerant or anything else that would make me feel guilty while I gorge on meat and sweets. Speaking of sweets, I am particularly thankful for my wife who makes every day sweeter than it would ever be without her. I’m thankful for my family, including my illegitimate one here at LAP, as well as waking up every day and getting to do what I love. And then getting out of bed and going to a job I enjoy…
Not Thankful for: Justin Bieber; recently having my “Netherlands” shaved for surgery (I realize that sounds redundent); the wet firewood I forgot to cover in the backyard; the way our dogs always have to pass gas when we’re eating; anyone who wants to date our youngest daughter; the 3 ounces of milk that gets left in a 1-gallon jug in our fridge; and did I mention Justin Bieber?
BrainRants
Thankful for: My family, and a particular green-eyed brunette of petite stature most especially. Beer. Bacon. My awesome country, where I can drink beer and eat bacon surrounded by my family. Power tools (not the kind who work in cubicle farms), barbecue grills, turkey deep-fryers (hella), coffee, pants, tanks, the internet and web sites with funny shit to look at.
Not Thankful for: Neckties, ugly sweaters, spiders, people who walk slow in supermarkets, Ikea furniture, Congress, indecisive asses in a fast food joint who ask for sample tastes, the French, pinch-y shoes, celebrity culture, the mainstream media, the power tools who do work in cube farms, Winter and asshattery.
Thankful for: My family, friends, boyfriend, and pets. I’m grateful to have many places that I can call home, and I’m hashtag blessed to live a charmed life filled with amazing people, more nice things than I deserve, and lots of laughter. But above all, I’m thankful for public restrooms with floor to ceiling walls and doors in which my feet can safely remain in complete anonymity.
Not Thankful for: Mayonnaise and the careless sandwich shop employees who don’t appreciate the seriousness of the “NO MAYO” request on an order. Everyone who opts out of using his or her turn signal. Dogs under 10 pounds. Old ladies in the checkout line at the grocery store who treat me like sounding board to complain about other shoppers in the vicinity.
Thankful for: I am thankful for the Marvel comic book movies from this past year, like Guardians of the Galaxy and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I am thankful for the fact that next year there will be even more Marvel Comic book movies and they all look awesome. I am thankful for a wife who puts up with me constantly watching Marvel comic book movies and playing Marvel comic book themed video games. I am thankful for my two beautiful children who also put up with me watching Marvel comic book movies and declared yesterday that they love Groot. I am thankful that they are releasing a dancing baby Groot toy in time for Christmas.
Not Thankful for: I am not thankful for DC comic book movies. That Batman vs. Superman crap-o-rama they’re going to assault the public with looks like 3 day old cranberry sauce. Pass.
Thankful for: Has anyone said family yet? OK, family,especially my son. He will make a difference in the world. And my friends who carried me through some hard times. I’m also thankful that I’m healthy as I approach my cranky old man years because I have some stuff to say to every one of you and that’s going to take some time. Oh, and Thai food, which I’d rather have than a turkey. I’m grateful for baseball caps and not just since my hair began thinning. The 2000 Mazda Miata.
I’m thankful for my wife. Thankful enough to give her her own line.
Not Thankful for: Turkey. Pumpkin. Mushrooms. Being hit in the back of my ankles with a shopping cart. People who don’t understand that bass alone, without treble to contrast it, is just noise. Speaking of noise, politicians – all of them.
Thankful for: I’m thankful every day of the year for the people in my life. I’m thankful for health and wonder.
Not thankful for: I’m also thankful that I’m not unthankful for anything long enough to remember it.
Having said that, let me tackle the paradox of thankfulness.
Superstition -I’m thankful for superstition because humming birds and butterflies are considered good omens, so every time I see one, I perk up in expectance of something good to come.I’m unthankful for superstition because I’m terrified of handling mirrors in case I break one and bring about seven long years of bad luck.Coffee -I’m thankful for coffee because it makes the pain of being awake go away.I’m unthankful for coffee because its absence makes my mind stop and my nose run like a junky.My Exes -I’m thankful for both the good ones and the bad ones. That’s because the good ones made me a better girlfriend, and ditching the bad ones made me available for someone good.Hyperbole -I’m thankful for hyperbole because I’m not really afraid of mirrors, and even without coffee, I have it easier than a junky.
Thankful for: Family, friends, the roof over my head, pine scented candles, boobs, Sangria (red not white), Sweet Tomatoes, the staff of LAP, internet streaming, zombies, and nachos
Not Thankful for: Traffic, bad wifi connections, AMC’s three month break during a season of their programming, pop music stations, laundry, speedo wearing Europeans, serial killers, cereal eaters that leave an empty box, popcorn ceilings, and IPA beer
THE FOOD AND WINE HEDONIST
Thankful for: My wife and kids, friends, a great job that pays for food and booze and other stuff, whoever invented Bourbon, The Walking Dead, and Lindsay Lohan Ariana Grande.
Not Thankful for: Drivers who can’t seem to come anywhere near the speed limit, the 2014 edition of the Chicago Bears, fanatics who are happy to belittle science on the internet using their smartphone, often while waiting in a doctor’s office for an advanced medical procedure.
Thankful for: The internet! Thanks to the internet I was able to find Long Awkward Pause, and have my video posted on it. It is also an excellent blog that posts a variety of topics, and the SS6 rocks! I am also thankful for my family, loved ones, and AWESOME co-workers! I am also thankful for stupid celebrities, because they make fantastic jokes.
Not Thankful for: People that do not use their blinkers. People that like to call you for something they can send a quick text about, and last but not least, spiders.
PATRICIA BACHUS-HARGIS
Not Thankful for: I do not have to be thankful (or happy) that I have to share my pie with any of them. But, I do love them all enough to do so! Happy Thanksgiving.
Mike Calahan
Thankful for: Being able to laugh each day, a wide variety of water-based pomades to choose from, seeing my drunk neighbor getting arrested for drunk driving, my ability to seemingly never age, being in better shape now than I was in high school, California weather, good whisky, my pets, my friends, falling asleep/waking up next to a woman that looks like Natalie Wood.
Not Thankful for: Having to potentially get an exam for breast cancer (stupid gene pool…), anonymous harassment online of anyone by anyone, planes that fly too low and upset my dog, still not having mastered the art of shaving, bad whisky.
List of X
Thankful for: Anonymity, sense of humor, and numbers 1 through 10. Oh, and vacations.
Not thankful for: Having to come back from vacations, and that the day only has 24 hours – and only like 14 during vacations.
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