Zap Me Baby, One More Time
Zerona is a low level laser that stimulates the fat cells and emulsifies the fat within the cell (I’m super tempted to make a lame Star Trek joke but I’ll refrain). Then, the liquefied fat is eventually absorbed by the lymphatic system. So, by millions of fat cells becoming smaller, the end result is inches lost off the waist, hips, thighs (or targeted areas). Typically, six treatments are suggested (each session lasting approximately 40 minutes). Oh, and did I mention that there is zero pain or sensation whatsoever? Which means that you can read your People magazine or even take a catnap – all while reducing your waistline and derriere. (How’s that for too good to be true?) And per Zerona’s FAQs, there is zero down time – so you can zap your fat over your lunch break or in between shopping and a pedicure. For those with impossible schedules, you should be aware that the six sessions must be kept every other day until all sessions are completed. They suggest not allowing more than 72 hours between each treatment or else fat may be uptaken by your cells again. So, how long before you see real results? Typically, around the fourth session.
How Sci-fi-esque. But Does It Really Work?
If you’re looking for dramatic results, this treatment likely isn’t for those in need of major weight loss. It’s recommended for those who’re already in pretty good shape (read: a size 6 trying to fit into that size 4 Versace dress you bought last year) and are looking to spot-reduce or lose a few inches. According to Zerona’s clinical trials, they reported an average loss of 3.64 inches off the waist, hips, and thighs. For long-term results, they emphasize maintaining a healthy diet (in other words: eating Krispy Kreme everyday will likely cause the lost inches to return). They also recommend an “active” lifestyle to maintain your slimmer bod. And this next one might be a showstopper for some: during your treatments they recommend abstaining from caffeine and alcohol as these interfere with the lymphatic process to remove fat and metabolize it (which can decrease your results). For us coffee-crazed folks, that one might be downright impossible. (A morning without coffee for me is like Chinese water torture. Seriously.)
My conclusions? If you’re already fairly fit, have plenty of money and are only looking to lose a few inches, go for it. However, if you’re looking for dramatic results and actual weight loss, this might not be your best option. Per the Internet boards there are tons of complaints that Zerona isn’t effective. And at $2,000 to $3,000+ for six sessions, that’s awfully pricy to not have a guaranteed end result. (Hey, for that kind of money, I could buy a lot of Christian Louboutins that come with an on-the-spot happiness-guarantee.) Damn. Perhaps my mother was right (yet again) with her “too good to be true” spiel. Guess I’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way: two parts clean eating, two parts gym, and one part misery. Bring on the spinach and P90X (insert sobbing here)…