“No. I can’t leave,” my son says, his voice tight and low. “I’m in the middle of a raid!”
These words are from the mouth of my tweener son, twelve years of know-it-all and dedicated gamer of the multiplayer variety. Typically, he shares his two-word vocabulary of “Good” and “K” sent via text from two feet away to my phone. So, I guess I should be crying tears of joy that he actually spoke to me.
I’m in favor of video games so long as they don’t run your life. They can provide opportunities to solve problems with your clan. You can talk to people from Japan or New Zealand. My son tells me it’s kind of like a blog, but with video games.
But when I can’t get beyond the death-grip of his controller and all I hear are raspy, muffled, strained exhalations…you know the kind I mean…I know I’ve lost him. He’s gone to the DARK SIDE!
This is a cry for desperate measures.
I know you’re asking, “How do you bring him back?” because I bet this most certainly has happened to you. Don’t panic. I have methods to break that death grip and bring him back from the darkness.
If you don’t have a kid, I’m sure you can find this information applicable for other areas of your life. I’m sure you can come up with something.
Now for my tips and tricks.
7 Ways to Get Your Kid* to Drop the Video Game…in a Flash
(even if it’s in the middle of a raid):**
- Set off the smoke alarm and feign dire warnings that the house is, indeed, burning down. Don’t forget your ear plugs. You may need to let the alarm sound for a while since your gamer will be wearing those monster headsets. For dramatic effect, fan your arms and burn a piece of toast for the proper smell. That should do the trick.
- Stage a robbery. This is not as complicated as it sounds and your kid will be in just the right frame of mind for this scenario, on edge and ready to respond. Perhaps your next neighbor is bored.
Okay, maybe not your neighbor.
Better yet, a carefree drama student will be more than willing to provide a bonafide acting performance, especially for extra credit. Just pretend to know the teacher.
- Bacon. Prepare a big platter of crispy bacon and place it within visual distance of your gamer. We could just stop this list right here.
- Refuse to serve any food. No, don’t serve that bacon your gamer is begging for and don’t think this is cruel. Assuming your gamer is an able-bodied individual, remember he/she can walk. Don’t worry. Eventually, your gamer will need sustenance.
- Cut the Internet connection. Just say, “What internet? It’s working just fine for me.”
- Flip the breaker switch and shut down the power. In case number 5 is a bust.
- Coordinate with your pet to leave a present. That’s right. Your pet is as frustrated as you and needs attention. It’s likely they’ll help and catch that limp mouse or bloody bird and gift it right onto their lap. If it’s alive, your chances increase by 100 fold. If you have a dog, consider the saliva-infiltrated ball as a sloppy present.
Catch something…anything! You agreed.
Well, you can always put ice down their pants, record it and put it on YouTube.
Just believe in yourself and anything is possible. You can do this. And may the force be with you.
* May be used for adults.
** Depending on the severity of your problem and how much time you have to devote to it, you may want to combine item numbers to maximize success.
photo credits: License: (license); Oscar, mit sich und der Welt im Einklang – Oscar takes it easy! via photopin (license)
Amy Reese, former ballerina, now spends her creative energy writing and is currently working on a fantasy novel. In her next life, she hopes to come back as a cat. You can find her at The Bumble Files where she writes flash fiction and about life’s unpredictable moments.
MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:
Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Twitter: @LongAwkPause
Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag
Podcast: iTunes, PodOmatic, TuneIN, Stitcher
Email: longawkpause@gmail.com
Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP? Click HERE.