“I thought I’d live a louder life…
But silence called me deeper still
Like nothing else I know ever will”
—Carrie Newcomer, Quaker singer-songwriter
I didn’t expect to experience this lesson so clearly the first time I visited a Quaker meeting. About 30 minutes into the shared silence – the community gathered in a circle, each person listening expectantly in their own way for the Spirit to move – someone stood, picked up a guitar, and began singing “This Little Light of Mine.” Moments later, another rose and spoke:
“Before we were born, there was great silence, and after we die, we will return to great silence. So, it is good to spend time in silence together today in between.”
Ten years later, I still remember my astonishment at what arose out of that silence. I still remember the goosebumps.
For Quakers – members of the Religious Society of Friends – silence isn’t empty; it’s a place to connect with the Divine.
One of my early Quaker Friends, Jim, also left a lasting impression. When I invited him to share his personal story with my Psychology of Religion and Spirituality class, Jim said he’d be happy to do so – provided someone give him a ride because he didn’t own a car. As I pulled up to his house, I noticed his yard consisted entirely of vegetables and native plants. As thanks for the ride, when Jim entered my car, he offered me a big bag of freshly picked kale from his front yard, something he said he regularly did for friends and neighbors. In his quiet way, Jim also demonstrated a powerful expression of Quaker spirituality.
As a psychologist of religion and spirituality, I’ve long been drawn to learning from spiritual traditions that approach life in unique ways. Quaker spirituality, in particular, has offered me profound lessons into living a good life – insights that beautifully align with the emerging psychological science of well-being.
Here are four lessons that stand out:
1. Cultivate contemplative stillness.
“Seek to know an inward stillness, even amid the activities of daily life.”
—British Quaker Faith & Practice, Advices and Queries #3
Prayerful silence lies at the heart of Quaker spirituality. Quakers often seek to quiet themselves – alone, together, in nature – to be more anchored and present in daily life.
Psychological research on contemplative practice reflects the wisdom of this, revealing benefits like reduced stress, deep rest, and improved health and well-being. Even a few minutes of stillness each day can make a significant difference.
2. Connect with the Sacred.
“Stand still, wait for Divine guidance, then act.”
—New England Yearly Meeting Faith & Practice, Advice #8
Quaker worship, like many other forms of spiritual practice, nurtures mindfulness. But Quaker worship is different: the stillness is more expectant, relational, and attentive to the Divine. Even non-theist Friends often speak of sensing something Sacred in the quiet.
Research in the Psychology of Religion and Spirituality shows that feeling connected to something greater – especially when that presence is experienced as warm and loving – predicts resilience, hope, and well-being. For many, this relationship becomes a steady source of grounding and centeredness, especially during times of uncertainty or loss.
3. Honor the inherent dignity of every person.
“Do you respect that of God in everyone, though it may be expressed in unfamiliar ways or be difficult to discern?”
—British Quaker Faith & Practice, Advices and Queries #17
A central Quaker conviction is that there is “that of God” in every human being. This belief can impact every relationship – with oneself, with neighbors, and even with perceived adversaries.
Psychological research echoes this teaching as well. Having a stable sense of self-worth and exercising self-compassion nurtures personal well-being. Recognizing the dignity of others may also facilitate more peaceful, constructive relations across groups, something vitally important in this increasingly polarized world.
4. Really live your values.
“Let your life speak.”
—George Fox
Quakers seek to demonstrate their faith through “testimonies” that follow the acronym SPICES: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and Stewardship (especially toward the Earth). Although individuals may differ in how they live these testimonies, the aim is to embody them as much as possible.
Jim, my Friend I mentioned earlier, is a good example. He bikes or walks instead of driving, grows and shares food instead of having a lawn or consuming vegetables grown at great distance, dresses simply instead of purchasing a lot of fancy clothing, and the like. His life testifies to the quiet power of aligning daily choices with deeply held values. It signifies integrity to an ethic – a kind of worship – to guide his life.
A great deal of research on psychological well-being likewise points to benefits of living with purpose, particularly when values meet intrinsic psychological needs. In contrast, living without purpose or chasing extrinsic motives may contribute to materialism, inauthenticity, and isolation.
A Gentle Invitation
For the record, I don’t personally identify as a Quaker. Yet as I get older, I find myself increasingly leaning on the insights and practices of this faith tradition.
Even if you never step into a Meeting House or attend an online Quaker meeting, there may be something to try for yourself. Consider beginning with one or two of the following suggestions:
- Spend five minutes in contemplative silence each morning, simply noticing what arises.
- Be mindful of the Divine – however you define it – in ordinary life, and pay attention to the messages that come to you.
- Honor yourself and others – no matter who they are – as fellow human beings of Sacred worth.
- Reflect on your real values, and take one small step to live them more fully today.
Do any of these spark an idea for something you might like to do today?
We don’t need to live loud to live well. As both Quaker spirituality and psychological science remind us, a good life often grows from quiet, intentional choices – choices that, like Jim’s simple gift of kale, can powerfully impact our lives and the lives of others.