As usual
Monday is doctor dayEvery Monday For the last ten yearsI've made my way to my doctors To collect my scriptBeing on methadoneIt's mandatory to see your doctor every weekAs no more than one week can be dispensed at a timeMethadone is a controlled drugIn that there are strict guidelines around dispensing itIt even has its own special scriptWhich is more like a formAlso a doctor who wants to dispense methadone has to do a course in order to be licensed to dispense itI used to have to go to Dublin once a month to see the head doctor of methadone But I haven't seen her in years Going to Dublin was dodgy for meAs often I would end up using while there
Ten years agoI started on a dose of 70 mlsOver the years I worked my way down to 18mlsIt's a slow process But I was on my way to coming off it completely Then when I was misusing my medsMy doctor increased my dose to 36 mlsWhich is double the dose I was onOver them last couple of monthsHe has decreased it againAnd I am now on 32 mlsI am so bold thoughI always put up such a resistance to a reductionAnd I know I can be manipulative in doing soI'm just so afraid to come off itAnd I round be happy if I was left on it foreverButThat's not really an optionI'm hoping that I will come to a place where I feel able and strong enough to be methadone free
After I saw my doctorI saw BredaWho is my addiction counsellorI settled in her roomAnd she comment that she hadn't seen me in a whileWhich is true I haven't seen her in about six weeksShe said that was far to long to leave it in between appointments I filled her in on what has been happeningAbout my course And generally how things are goingI mentioned that I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks She said that wasn't like meAnd it's not But I have noticed over the last couple of months That I've pulled back from my supports Including my meetingsShe said that its really important that I am consistent with my supportsShe is right I really need to get back on trackLink in with my recovery friends SometimesWhen things are going wellI start thinking that I don't need to go to meetings Or see my therapistBut the thing I have to remember Is that they are the reason that I am doing wellAnd I need to do the right thing and keep my supports in placeSo that's my goal this weekTo keep my appointments And to get to at least two meetings
I read somewhere that over thinking is the art of creating problems where there are noneI definitely do this a lotThings are going well for me at the moment My mood is stable My anxiety is manageable My physical and mental health are the best they've been in a long time I'm clean and sober My ED is somewhat under control All in all Life is good I do my best every day Not to hurt myself or anyone else I try to be the best person I can beI am ok I. Am. OkI just need to remember that
I made the mistake of weighing myself yesterday And almost had a mini meltdown It's funnyThat little number doesn't have as much power over me as it once had 18 months if I had seen the number that I did yesterday I would have gone from zero to suicidal in seconds I would started either binging and purgingOr starving And crash dieting Disgusted with myself I would say the most horrible things to myself Bully myself But at the momentI feel okNot amazing But not terrible eitherI can look in the mirrorWithout wanting to smash itI can wear a bigger size item of clothing And accept that I am the way I am And that is okI'm exactly where I'm supposed to be
Breda commented that my confidence seems to be improving I hadn't noticed until she said itBut I think she's right My confidence in myself is growing all the timeI'm not so timid and agreeable I'm more sure of myself And not apologising for my very existence I've always struggled with confidence and self esteem So to finally feel good about myself is nothing short of a miracle Breda made the comment that I look really wellIt's still very hard to accept compliments My ED brain still misconstrues it as a negative scenarioI get that people think they are giving a compliment They can see that I've improved And want to acknowledge itHoweverIn my mindWhen someone tells me that I look wellMy thought process goes something like this
Person: You lookl well Ruby
Public Ruby: Oh thank you!
Private Ruby: Well? Well?Well equals I've put on weight Well means I'm over weight Well means I'm fat
I've chosen my outfit for SaturdaySo I will show you during the weekI'm also getting my hair done on FridayI have a style in mindAnd I'm really excited to get it doneIt's a busy weekThe first of the visitors arrive on WednesdayI am going to try my best to enjoy itTo participate And give my mom a lovely timeAfter allShe deserves it
So that's it for today folksTake careAnd have a good daySee you on the next post....