God forgive me I've had a pretty miserable couple of days
It's only now when our visitors have gone that I can breath out and let myself not be ok
I've painted a smile on my face all weekend
I didn't have a meltdown when my brother told me that gained a 'little bit of weight'
Granted I asked for that
Literally
I played the part of the good little recovering anorectic
But today I just felt so weary
I declined to go to the beach with my family
I just needed some time to myself
To figure out what it is I am going through right now
In hindsight maybe I should have gone out
I binged and purged many times
I didn't even want the food
I just wanted the relief of the purge
I wanted to feel empty
In body and mind
In an effort to put the brakes on, I brought my dogs for a walk
But I had to turn back as I could feel my blood sugar dropping
That old familiar feeling
Why does everything taste better when your blood sugar is in the toilet?
And then to add insult to injury I decided to weigh myself
Why?
Because I am a glutton for punishment
I'm not even supposed to have a scale
But where there's a will......
I gained another 2kg
I felt nothing as I stared at the number
I knew I felt bigger
Now I have almost crossed the threshold from underweight to a normal weight
2kg is nothing when you are severely underweight
But now it seems like a massive amount
I don't like it
I don't like it one bit
I had almost got used to my new shape
I almost liked it
Almost
But now I am expanding in every direction
I don't want to gain more
I can't handle that
Everything is upside down
And topsy turvy
The way I am feeling right now recovery can do one
The way I am feeling right now I am planning diets and fasts in my head
The way I feel right now I am a failure and a fuck up
The way I feel right now is unstable, afraid and disgusting
I need to get my food sorted
I am living off a diet of salt and vinegar crisps and white chocolate
I don't eat proper food
Because if I eat I eat proper food I can't have my crisps and chocolate and I want my crisps and chocolate
They win every time
I feel so confused
So torn between wanting to be well and wanting to fall head first down the rabbit hole
The thought of restricting is both thrilling and terrifying
I know that just as easy as I gain the weight
I can lose it all too
How attractive that option seems right now
I was also massively triggered today
I read a post about someone who had lost weight and all of a sudden I wanted to too
It's the first time I've been triggered in a while and it pretty much floored me
Have I been in the 'pink cloud' of recovery this whole time?
Have I just come down to reality
Is this what recovery is really like?
I just don't know any more
Anyway
I digress
Here is me in my pjs tonight
You see?
I have gained weight