They’re hot, they’re bored and they’ve got a smartphone. Meet the boys of Instagram who, you hope, your boyfriend hasn’t met yet.
Because when he does… you’ll be filtered out of view.
1. Topless “night-night” selfie
You daren’t take selfies at bedtime because, eight days out of seven, you’re bloated from too much wine and you’re saving that spot to squeeze in the morning. Meanwhile, Prince Charming has lay his pretty head down to rest in a sea of Touche Eclat, and is saying to your boyfriend “Imagine us here, together”. Your other half will have sweet dreams all right – you don’t get so much as a cameo role.
2. “Look at the state of me. So #hungover.”
Absolutely nobody with a true hangover would be in any fit state to endure the hours of studio time these pictures entail, swathed in immaculate white bedlinen. And if this is what he says he looks like hungover, you can bet your dry-mouthed ass your boyfriend will be asking himself why you look like shit ALL THE TIME.
3. Downview shots of bare legs with new trainers or feet shots with perfect toes at the end of them.
Your trotters are so hideous you wear socks in the bath so you don’t scare your rubber duck. All your shoes crave polish and your trainers smell like a tramp’s dog. You cannot compete.
4. Healthy lunch photographer
You’d take pics of your food, but a) it’s always pie and chips and b) your gut would always get in the way unless you stood up from your seat, took a few paces across the room and then snapped away – and that would cause a scene. Once your boyfriend points at this guy’s picture of a heap of salad with misery dressing and says: “Ooh, we should try that sometime” your days are numbered..
5. Me and my doggy
There’s no better way to reel in a gay who’s a bit ticked off with their other half than a cutesy pic with a dog, usually with brunch or a sexy Manhattan apartment lurking in the background. You like the idea of a dog, but your general lack of enthusiasm for picking up dog crap and having everything you’ve ever owned covered in hair has helped to elevate this Instagram dog-worshipping idol to boyfriend material in just a few clicks.
6. New hair, don’t care!
He cares, and despite having the most average haircut this side of Michael Gove at a christening, your boyfriend has doled out a like. He’s never commented on your hair, not even when you got an orange buzzcut, grew a beard and said you were now a one-man Eurythmics.
7. #nofilter
#noholdsbarred more like. He’ll let him put it anywhere.
8. Wearing a face mask.
He’s sorting out his skin so he can “steal ur man”
9. Starbucks name LOLs
“I told them my name was Matt, but the barista wrote ‘Cocksurfer’ on it, LOL. Get it right!!!”
Do you really want to date a man who hangs on every word of someone STILL amazed by this phenomenon of Starbucks baristas not giving a shit what your actual name is?
10. Changing room Charlie
Which outfit do you like best? He is broadcasting a show called “Your potential perfect partner” right into your boyfriend’s eyeballs and there is NOTHING you can do about it but hope he puts on weight.
11. You
Because then they’ll be able to see you behave like a drooling lech over every swimsuit-sporting twink in the Insta-world – and that simply won’t do.
Note: If your Instagram pics have been used here and you’d rather they weren’t, get in touch and let me know. Please don’t send dick pics.