Go braless. Or wear two bras. Or just a regular bra. Whatever feels best. Apply that logic to everything in your life.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
It’s family time, sucker. Fam is more important than all the loonies in Scrooge McDuck’s vault, so plan your time accordingly.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
Get hustling. Mingle, chat, get out there, get known. You’ll find work contacts plus someone to bone.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
What you’re doing looks dumb to everyone else, k? Deal with it. You know what you’re doing.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):
Tell people to go fuck themselves, you’re too busy.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Can’t you do anything by yourself? Stop being so dependent on your friends and stuff. It’s unbecoming, Virg.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
Yep, go to that party. Also? Karma’s coming at you, so do nice and be nice.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Aw, you’re so good and nice! Good job, Scorp. Kill all those pricks with kindness.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
You’re a force of good in the world, like a pizza-making robot.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
Uh-oh. You’re going to cry. Try not to cry. Keep all your feels in check, k? Try not to overreact, drama queen.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
Why you got to be so hostile? Chill and make nice. Admit that sometimes you fuck up.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
Keep thinking and mulling and worrying and weighing your options. Put off making that decision til next week.