TAURUS (April 21 - May 21): Take stock of you. Look at yourself. What are you good at? What do you suck at? Look hard. Get a good picture. Now set your sights accordingly.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21): There’s nothing wrong with getting your own way. It can be a win-win for everyone, so don’t feel bad or guilty to ask for what you want, get it, and enjoy it. Because you're worth it.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23): You’re taller than you think you are. (I’m talking in metaphors here, shorty.) You got the goods. Now go get paid.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23): Get off your ass and do that thing, that hard thing, that thing that will take a long time, that new thing, that thing you’ve been wanting to try. Screw what other people think. You do you.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23): Get drunk and talk loud. Tell people what you reeeeeeally think of them. But don’t be unnecessarily mean, jerk.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23): It’s like you’re playing Connect Four but it’s not your turn and you have to wait for your opponent to make a move and they’re taking forever. But don’t worry because in the end they’re going to fuck up and you’re going to win.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22): Stop working for the man. Start working for yourself.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21): Be wild and crazy but also be brave. You’ll win.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Everyone sucks, people are terrible, we know. You don’t have to tell them that, though. Try to find that one non-sucky thing about a person then tell them about it. Complements: try them!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): You can reap lots of favours this week but remember you’ll have to return them which can be a drag.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Everything’s coming up you. Have a totes rockin’ week. Start something new.