TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
You’re going to find something out that will help you at your job. Sorry your horoscope this week isn’t more awesome. I mean, unless you’re, like, super-amped about getting ahead at work.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
Ahhhh fuck, are you an antivaxer or something? Is your Facebook feed covered in shit about chemtrails? Because questioning authority is good but you don’t have to be an assnut about it.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
Wow, you spent a lot of money on that. Just wait, it might actually be worth it.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):
Stop sticking your fat, stupid face in other people’s business. AND! Think about all that sordid dirt they have on you that they could tell everyone. Jesus. Just stop and think about that for a minute, would you?
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Get lazy. Boss people around. Make grand plans from the comfort of your couch.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re awesome. All’s cool.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Wow, you done been screwed over by fake news or some dumb lies again. Why you so naive?
"Scorpians"
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21): Get up in everyone’s grill and make them listen to what you have to say. But say it, don’t spray it, eh? CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Oooh, you talk good and make friends nice. Do that this week. You’ll get money for it. AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): You’ve got a bunch of dumb ideas in your head again. Take the least dumb of the bunch and put it in action. PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Go be alone for a while. Bathe, then come back to us. Also: apply deodorant before you return.