Apparently the Russians have sent us their weather. In Russia they think that's a joke! So as you shiver your way into the office here are a couple of 'funnies' to cheer you up, courtesy of my e-pal, Andra, so blame her not me!
An elderly, retired sailor, looking to relive 'the good old days', dons his old uniform and heads off to the docks to find himself a tart and once again do what he was good at back in the day. He's soon going at it hammer and tongs, in fact, going rather well for an old boy of his age.
But for re-assurance he asks the girl how he's doing.
After a pause, the girl replies that he's doing about three knots.
'What the hell does three knots mean?' he asks.
'You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back!
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Jane and Arlene, two elderly ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all,
over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she
prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.