Yes, yes, I heard you all from here, moaning and groaning round the coffee machine because your Monday Funnies hadn't appeared on time and wondering how you would get through a Monday without your usual hilarity courtesy of D&N. Well, it was "events, dear boy, events" but I'm back and here they are - for better or worse!
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't
getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
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A Japanese Sex Story
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!" . . . . . . . . . . .
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don't know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.
Sometimes I worry about you!
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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for?"
The golfer replies...
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom and being brave enough to ask, 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and being brave enough to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both are fatal!
Have a nice day!