You don't really deserve any 'Funnies' today because it's a holiday but, as you all know, I am always generous to a fault, er, you do know that, don't you? Of course you do!
Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.
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The Joys Of Marriage...
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“I'd take half and leave you,” she says.
“Great,” he says. "I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch”.
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Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He's not mine either.'
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this club.'
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An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked , much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."
"Remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate response
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Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
That's your lot! Actually, you had a few extra today because I have been trying to clear out my In-box and some of these have cobwebs on them so they may seem a tad familiar!
ADDITIONAL: God, I'm good to you people. This came in this morning and was so good I had to share it with you immediately:
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen
twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her
blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky,
push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt seductively,
reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar
bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled
up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she
replied:
"Go look in the garage."
Happy Easter and all that.