I suppose the lesson of this story is - think before you text:
An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm having a shit …… please advise"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant. Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, lying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is $100,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Darwin ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A selection of one-liners for you wage slaves to try out round the coffee machine:
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
............................................................................
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody
thing!
............................................................................
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
............................................................................
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
.............................................................................
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
..............................................................................
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.
..............................................................................
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
Right, that's your lot - and I want to know who said 'Thank God!'