Well, what more could you ask for as you face another week at the coal-face - the sun is shining (well it is here!) and here come your Monday Funnies:
Walter died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said,
'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, it ain't Wally.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Wally'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, Walter had two arseholes.'
'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em,' Paddy said, 'But everybody used to say:
There's Wally with them two arseholes.'
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This one is especially for DM who is a stickler for correct English usage:
A secretary was given an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce. The email said:
"Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
Thanks a lot"
Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar!
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THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'
AND THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR.