Lawyers are always good for a laugh so here are a selection of verbatim court reports:
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies", he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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"I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who was always picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity."
Jo Brand
Photo: Craig Sugden