Before I depress cheer you up with this week's Funnies, I though you chaps might like to know that I can still pull the birds. No, no, not the double-breasted variety, I mean the feathered kind! For the second time in about 18 months I found a racing pigeon wandering around by my house. Anyway, I picked him up and popped him inside an old cat-basket with some water and bird seed which he proceeded to scoff with some eagerness. Anyway, this morning I set him free at the top of a hill I drive over on the way to the swimming-pool and unlike the first one who only managed to flap to the other side of the field where he sat looking lost, this one took off like a rocket and did a high-speed circuit as, presumably, he picked up his bearings. Perhaps I am becoming known in racing pigeon circles as a very good overnight stay!
Anyway, I have a variety of Funnies for you today from a variety of sources. If you sent me a Funny and it isn't published immediately please don't take offence, sooner or later it will be as I grub about for material in my 'Inbox'.
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."
Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I?m fookin' sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because," said Paddy, "he lives in a clock!"
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Some Aussie one-liners, er, from an American source!
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I banged a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what ?
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . ..It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Right, that's it, I'm off to the seaside for the day!