I am out and about for most of the day so I am providing you all with extra 'rations'. Also, to be honest, I have so many 'Funnies' clogging up my In-box (I'm not complaining - keep them coming!) it will be useful to empty it out a bit. Mind you, I am digging down to the bottom of my In-box so if I inadvertently produce some 'golden oldies' I have already published, well, tough!
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Kiwi sheep farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our flock today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of ewes and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumbeg is such a person and this is a quote from him:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
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I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five."
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake,
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green.
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear,
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device,
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught,
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
Pam Ayres.
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of quarters against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
There you are, today your 'Funnies' cup over floweth! Now get on with your work!