This one, I am informed, is specially for DM:
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St
Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite
an pish!"
The golfer replies: "My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that
for me, in English!?"
The keeper replies: "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well," his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and
guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,
naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of
our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she never got your E-mail!"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
An extra one - very 'blondist'! - 'cos I'm out for most of the morning:
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"