Good morning, my little 'proles', another fine selection of 'Funnies' to start your working week with a sob a smile:
A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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And now, given the times we live (and die) in, something to offend everyone!
News flashes:
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they
are closing lanes 7 and 8.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining
they were not a dating agency.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
Got stopped in the street outside Boots the chemist today by a woman with a clipboard
asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I
replied, "Facebook".
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we
ended up having sex there and then ............ God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small
white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham
then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but
I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry
on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.