It's been non-stop birthday party time around here. One on Saturday, another on Sunday and yet another on this Wednesday coming. How do I manage the booze? "Let me count the ways"! Anyway, here are your Funnies to help kick start your week - with thanks to the usual suspects:
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice!
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A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
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A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
Quick - back to work, here comes the boss - and wipe that smile off your face, he might think you're happy!