Me Now
My world had come crashing down around me. I was on my knees, my legs could not take the strain, my heart was being shattered into a thousand tiny pieces and you were twisting the knife in deeper.
My nanna had died. No illness, no reason, she just passed away. I was on the phone to my mum who was with her, the paramedics were trying to resuscitate her and I heard it all. She passed away while I was on the phone listening, I remember the hustle of voices quietened and my heart told me she was gone.
Replacing the receiver I looked towards you, you just looked back. No words, no rushing to wrap your arms around me and comfort me. You left me instead.
You pulled on your coat muttering something about “not being able to deal with this” and with a slam of the front door you were gone.
Our three year old daughter came downstairs to find me still sobbing on the floor. She flung her arms around me. Our 10 month old daughter was stirring, waking from a deep sleep. I was 8 months pregnant.
Alone and broken I did what I always did, chocked back the tears and got on with the day. I entertained our two children and I tried to eat for the sake of our unborn child.
The day past in a haze and the evening came, you were still not home. I stood looking out of our bay window, mesmerised by the street lamps, it was raining. My heart skipped a beat when I saw a car headlights, thinking it was you.
Why was I still here?
I had involved the domestic abuse police officer but she had to leave on maternity and there was no placement. I was trapped, with no way out.
I walked into the kitchen; the only light was that of the candles, I didn’t put the main light on, my head ached as much as my heart did. I had given up smoking but you kept your cigarettes in the kitchen drawer so I took one and lit it.
I inhaled the smoke and blew it out. I picked up the heavy glass ashtray and in a state of anger and betrayal at the only adult to never abuse or neglect me had left me; I hurled the ashtray at the wall.
The glass shattered.
I was on my knees searching; I found a lovely sharp piece and dug it into my arm.
As the blood oozed down my forearm I sat shaking. I cried until I could cry no more.
Why did she leave me? Nanna I needed you. You were the only one I could tell about what was happening to me. Oh how you cried and became angry at me when I refused time and time to leave him. You offered me a way out yet I loved him. You left me just when I needed you most. I was lost and still am lost without you.
It was after midnight, you were still not home.
You returned sometime after three in the morning. I felt you climb into bed beside me. Your breath smelt of alcohol as your rough hands touched my body. I shook and cried as you “got your worth’s” out of me. Then you turned over and went to sleep.
The days that followed were dark. You held my hand throughout her funeral. You became the caring and supportive husband that my friends and family thought you were. I wore long sleeves to hide the scaring and I hid the fear and pain and once again I painted a smile.