I’ve been asked more than once if my children are “hitting all of their milestones.”
My answer?
“I don’t know.”
Why?
I don’t care. At all.
Obviously, I want to be sure that my children are eating, and growing, and are able to communicate.
But my 18 month old doesn’t know his colors, and I don’t care. I don’t even know if he “should” by now.
My 4 1/2 year old has shown a great desire to learn to read, so I’ve started teaching him, but it was his idea. Is this normal for his age? No idea. And really, what’s normal anyway? It’s normal for him, but it might not be normal for Miles and Etta, and that’s fine.
I don’t want my kids to be competitive with each other, not with this stuff. Yes, competition can be healthy, and we love sports and games for this reason. But I don’t want one of my kids to feel that they are the “dumb” one or the “slow” one or the “nerdy” one, or the “good” one or the “bad” one. Each kid is so different, and I just want them to be “themselves”. Henry will be great at things that Miles is not, and vice versa. I’ve often wondered why I never put much effort into their baby books. And I think this is why. A part of me is a little sad that I didn’t document their first this or that, but another part of me is glad.
See, I’ve never experienced competition quite like the kind that exists in “mom world”. Most girls are very well meaning, I’m sure, but pushing your child at a young age is really, really pointless. And it can also be pretty damaging to the child. And it also can put rifts between women that keep them from loving each other and being excited for each other in the way that we were intended to.
I remember seeing a status update recently about all of the accomplishments my friends’ little child had made by a very young age. Miles is the same age as her child and so my first and immediate thought was “whups!! parenting fail!” on my part. Miles had literally not achieved ONE of the things that she had listed.
But this isn’t about telling other moms to stop saying these things so that I feel better. This is about ME, and my heart, and my motives with my children. I want to celebrate my friends’ victories while enjoying my children where they are.
I actually still get those email “what your kid should be doing by now” updates for both Henry and Miles. I signed up when I got pregnant to track the size of my little bundle and had no idea that they would continue this long. I didn’t even sign up with Etta, mostly because I didn’t have much time to read them, but also, because I knew that with these updates comes a certain obsessive paranoia.
“Oh crap! My toddler doesn’t understand the Fibonacci sequence! He’s not speaking two languages and he doesn’t know baby sign language for “overachiever!”
I have honestly seen the anxiety on a child’s face as they were trying to just be creative and color, and had their mother insisting that they speak and identify each color as they picked it up. I’m not saying to stop teaching your kids things. What I am saying is “stop worrying about it so much…”
Miles still thinks that every animal on the planet is a “doggy”. We will tell him the correct animal, but it isn’t a big deal. I don’t know any healthy adult men who still do this, so my guess is, that at some point in the near future, he will learn the difference between a horse and a goat.
My 6 year old Niece doesn’t color “correctly”. The lines have no meaning to her, but the art that she creates on a coloring book page truly blows my mind…and she’s technically coloring “wrong.”
Here is one such masterpiece…incredible, right?
Henry was super easy to potty train but I have a sneaking suspicion that my other kids may not be as motivated. My #1 tip for teaching a child to stop pooing themselves? Casually talk to them about it during their diaper changes for months and months, let them go in the bathroom with you to observe, and let it be their idea. Seriously. I have seen time and time again my sweet friends pulling their ever-loving hair out because their 2 or 3 year old refuses to pee in the pot. I promise, one day, it will click and they will just start doing it. Stop trying so hard! Because they are their own autonomous person, and if they don’t want to do it, they just flat won’t, and you just might go crazy in the process, all in the name of “they should be doing this by now.”
I’ll never forget my little sister as a kid. She was 5 or 6 and had no desire to learn how to count or read. NONE. My parents were a bit concerned at first but didn’t push it with her. You know what? She eventually learned both. She’s a fully-functioning, super bright individual. She’s an incredible artist and went on to become an skilled ballerina and the absolute best massage therapist I have ever been to. See, the things that she is interested in and is really amazing at don’t require college level math and the ability to read a novel in 3 hours. And I think that on some level, even at 5 years old, she knew that.
And my aunt? She barely spoke a word until she was three. Was she stupid? Did she have a learning disability that required medication? Not at all. Honestly, I believe she was probably just observing. She’s one of the kindest and most positive people I know, and I wonder if all of that time that she spent just listening and learning has played a big role in that.
So what I am focusing on? Teaching our children kindness, generosity, and acceptance. How to control their anger and disappointment. How to be obedient and respectful. How to tell the difference between a safe person and a potentially harmful one. How to love others, especially those who aren’t kind to us or do things that we don’t agree with. How to stick with something that is hard, and not quit. How to clean up their own messes. How to look for the best in others. How to serve others. How to focus on the great things about other people, rather than the things we don’t understand. Oh, if I could only help my children to fully experience and understand the love and grace of God at a young age.
Because I don’t think I will look back and go: “oh, man, I really wish I had sat down and worked with my kids on counting rather than running around finding bugs, going fishing with their Dad, skyping with their grandparents, running naked in the sun, and hanging out with people outside of their “normal” circle.
It’s another reason I don’t push religious achievements on my kids. I want them to know and love God. I hope they will have the kind of relationship with their creator that comes from experiencing Him working in their lives and speaking directly to them. I don’t care how many verses they can memorize, or how fast they can turn from Leviticus to Zephaniah. And I will never demand that they read their Bibles. I highly value reading the word, but I also know that it is absolutely possible to know the Bible, read it often, and never really experience the love, freedom, and life that comes from a relationship with God. I believe that one of the surest ways to push someone away from Christ is to make religion a chore. My hope is that my children will be drawn to Christ because of the joy that they see my husband and I experiencing because of our relationship with Him.
So no, I don’t care if they can identify every country on the globe by age 6 or are able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance by age 3. These are good things to know, and we will work on them, but until then, I refuse to fret and worry and push my little kids.
Here are a few fun facts to put your mind at ease:
Albert Einstein had severe speech delays
so did Edward Teller – a world-renown physicist
Usain Bolt (fastest man on earth) reportedly didn’t walk until he was 18 mo. old
Neal Jeffrey – Baylor All-American quarterback (and now pastor) has a severe stutter
Helen Keller could not hear or see
George Washington reportedly could not spell
Numerous presidents were suspected to have “learning disabilities” as children
So don’t worry Mama. Your child is unique. They will be the best at something, and the worst at something. And that’s ok. There is immense freedom here.
live well. be well.
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