Everyone sees marriage differently, and that is perfectly fine. However, it does become a problem when two people in the same marriage do not define marriage the same way. Here is how I define marriage.
Marriage: Two people make a commitment, before God, to one another to weather the ins and outs of life as one. The building blocks of marriage are friendship, communication, and love, however, love is fickle. There will be days that love is nowhere to be found, but friendship and communication should provide the pathway back to love. This commitment is final and valid for the remainder of a person's natural life. There is no going back. A couple must be sure before making such a commitment.
Okay, so that was a long definition, but you get my point. It's different from a relationship, or even a couple living together. This is a forever commitment, and every decision reflects on the unit, not just the individual. In my marriage, I felt imprisoned by my own beliefs. Vows do not say until I get scared, or until I see another person that turns my head. I chose him, so I was stuck. I firmly believed that I could find a way to communicate and build on the relationship. Wrong. He may have been the one to ask for the divorce, but I admit that I am thankful. I was lonely and miserable.
This leaves me with the question, what do I believe now? Is marriage, by my definition, possible? I'm not sure. I'll say this, I do not plan to pursue marriage for my future. This saddens me, because I can't see having children outside of marriage. Speaking of, I didn't have sex until marriage, so...
It's hard for me to completely change my thought process, but I am a highly sexual person and can't imagine never experiencing that again. (Just so we are clear, my book will have sex in it. Prepare accordingly.) I do believe that I will have to be in a very permanent, monogamous relationship to have sex again. I'm more than just flesh, and I do still need love and commitment even if I won't have marriage. However, I do know that I will not live with a man lest it be in marriage.
How can I justify this as a Christian? Simple, I can't. I will do my best to live my life for the Lord and for his glory, but I will not ignore love should I find it. Naturally, trust will be of the utmost importance to me. Without it, I would not be able to have any relationship.
Life is not designed to be this difficult. God wants us to lead healthy, happy lives. When we aren't on a path for the Lord, we will only find the superficial. Unfortunately, there are more on the latter path, and that is how my marriage failed.
Maybe one day the Lord will send a man my way that is worth considering marriage again. Until then, I will focus on furthering my career and working in my new community. God has an unbelievably beautiful plan for my life, and I look forward to experiencing it.