Dating and double standards
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines double standards as “a set of principles that applies differently and usually more rigorously to one group of people or circumstances than to another; especially: a code of morals that applies more severe standards of sexual behavior to women than to men.” Double standards shouldn’t exist. Yet, they undeniably still do, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. It’s a reality with which I have plenty of firsthand experience.
One major dating double standard is the way girls are judged as too assertive or too needy when they ask for what they want in heterosexual relationships. We are constantly pressured to please our partners and put our desires aside. This was made clear to me recently when it came to talk to a guy I liked about taking the next step in our relationship.
We had only been on one date but had been spending time together since the end of October and kept in touch over the holiday break. He was the only person I was seeing and I assumed that this was true for him as well. But I wasn’t sure how to tell him what I wanted. I’d never had this conversation with a guy before, but knew from friends’ stories that it’s a delicate situation.
I spent what seemed like days just thinking about the logistics of the conversation. Would it be better to talk in person or behind some sort of screen via text or Facebook messaging? What was the best way to ask him to meet me somewhere so we could talk? Being direct and asking “Can we talk about our relationship, maybe over coffee soon?” seemed pushy while “We should hang out sometime” seemed to vague.
I felt like I needed to anticipate his discomfort, to be both non-threatening yet direct. I needed to consider just what to say during our conversation so that I got my message across and he wasn’t intimidated (because God forbid a woman expresses her opinion about what she wants in her life).
In retrospect, I realize that I spent a lot of time considering the best way to convey my message without scaring him away. Even though I knew what I wanted, I felt a constant worry that my needs were not important. On one hand, I thought, why should I push my feelings aside because of what this guy might think? I deserve to ask for what I want every bit as much as he does. On the other hand, it seemed like he should be able to say what he needs as well.
We met and talked for a while before I awkwardly told him that I wanted more from the relationship. He nervously agreed with me and walked me back to my dorm. I thought, “Why was I so nervous? I got what I wanted!”
The following week he ended the relationship. I had finally put everything I wanted on the line, but in our conversation he failed to mentioned he didn’t have time for this relationship. According to traditional gender double standards in which men’s opinions are valued more than women’s, it seemed if anything he should have been comfortable being upfront about this.
But I finally realized there was another double standard at work here as well: I didn’t consider how men are judged for expressing their emotions honestly and how silence may have felt safer for him. As women, we’re expected to be in touch with our feelings but men cannot express their vulnerability without fear of being called out. It took me days to get up the nerve to voice what I wanted, and it took him a week to express his real feelings.
As confusing and disappointing as all this was, I learned something new from the experience: There’s no quick fix. Gender double standards are entrenched in our culture, and they impact both men and women in different ways. We tend to judge “role reversals”— women who are too assertive; men who are too emotional — because they don’t conform to the cultural norms that these double standards reinforce. However, my fear and his reluctance supported the status quo.
It will take many people and years of work to break down this system. Where do we even begin? In a recent discussion with a few of my girlfriends, we agreed the best thing we can do is to start naming double standards when we experience or see them. Once more people speak out, maybe things will start to change. These behavioral norms established through media and embedded into the minds of people in our society can be changed by creating awareness about this issue. By acknowledging that this is a problem and rejecting social and behavioral norms placed on men and women, we can make a difference. This affects all of us which makes it our responsibility to speak out against this and correct those who have learned these norms and contribute to the culture of double standards.