I'm supposed to be five months pregnant by now. I learned last January 17 that I was positive. I didn't make a big announcement since I haven't had my ultrasound yet. I just want to wait until I am sure the baby is fine. At 11 weeks, on the first week of March, I had my first ultrasound. J and I found out that there's no sign of the baby. No sign of the fetus nor the yolk sac. I was still okay that day until the following day. I actually saw Rica's blog about Pain and Peace but I didn't read it until night time when J and Nate are already asleep. That's the time I felt discouraged and asked God why. Maybe I don't have the right to ask him why but God knows my heart to be honest with him as my heavenly father to asked that question. As I read through the blog, I thought, this might be happening to me as well. We're praying for a miracle but at the same time we will accept whatever the will of God is for my life. The following day, John sent me Psalm 91 about God's protection.
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Psalm 91:1-4
We didn't talk about it until bedtime when I just couldn't hold my tears anymore. When John asked me why, I told him I don't need to explain. He understood what it is about and he explained me that God gave him this verse for my protection. While I understand that he is trying to comfort me, I told him to allow me to cry until I'm done crying and it continued the following day. That was Saturday night, two days after the result. When we're about to have our dinner date, I was finally okay slowly accepting the reality that there's no baby inside my womb. Was I still praying for a miracle? Yes, I do but I had peace that no matter what the doctor would tell us, we know that it's a way of protection from God.
Monday came and we were able to talk to our doctor and she explained to us what happened. She was kind enough to be gentle and very professional in explaining the details to us. I left without being heartbroken. It's better not to have the baby after all than having an abnormal baby. I would understand women who cries over it even if there's no baby inside. Besides, I'm actually expecting there's a baby inside and I'm already thinking what to name our child. Of course, I would be discouraged but after allowing to process my feelings, it's time to move on.
There were other challenges and worries that I have to go through. I went through three ultrasounds to check if I'm already cleaned but I never had any bleeding for the past few weeks. Doctor said that most of the cases is that it will just go out naturally. I thought I would experience the same thing but I didn't. After the my ultrasound, the doctor said I really need to do the procedure. I was scheduled to do a D&C last Wednesday (but checked-in on Tuesday morning for blood tests and x-ray) which I didn't want to undergo because I know I would be worried about the expense (aside from not wanting to be at the hospital) that we're not supposed to have.
While I had a normal delivery with no epidural, I had anesthesia (through the spine) this time and I also requested if I can be sedated during the procedure. I woke up being brought to the recovery yet I continued to sleep but at the back of my mind, I still continue to think and wrestle, and most especially talk to my heavenly Father asking Him what is really your plan for our family.
We were able to go home the following day feeling tired and exhausted. We rested for awhile before my father-in-law brought Nate home with us. When Nate saw me, I wonder if he misses us because he wants to play with his fire truck right away.
While trying to understand what happened, I told myself to appreciate and be grateful for Nate even more. What if he's the only child and I never really appreciated him because I was too focused on what might have been. It made me realized that no matter how tempting it is to leave him to someone else so I can do my own agenda, it's still my responsibility to raise and more importantly to teach him the ways of God. I am also grateful for John for being patient and for being understanding whenever I am going through something no matter how small my concern is.
Sometimes I still wonder, why did I ever get "pregnant" when there's no baby after all yet we have to spend for the hospital bills which we could have used to invest in our business. Sometimes the sad part is, that although I should be happy, I am surrounded/know a lot of women who are pregnant. My case is very common and many women have experienced it. I know probably three or four of them but each one goes through it differently, and thankfully for me, even though I feel uneasy and uncomfortable with it sometimes, I always look back on why God did not allow it to happen yet I'm still asking God why He allowed the procedure to happen.
Now that the procedure is over, I am slowly getting back into my routine although I need to be aware that I can't really exhaust myself too much. The following day after being discharge from the hospital, we visited Nate's doctor for his vaccination. Life is back to normal and it's time to do what needs to be done. While I was really okay with the blighted ovum, I was really bothered that our hospital bill is just almost the same as when I had given birth. John and I are also waiting for another laboratory results due next week and we continue to trust the Lord that whatever the results, He knows everything.
In the meantime, it's time to make more granola and maybe even sandwiches, salads and ready to eat meals.