The Wizard of Oz is well-known by many. It is referenced in writing and in conversation; called an 'icon of pop-culture' for Americans. In terms of characters, there is Dorothy, a sweet cheery girl from Kansas who just wants to get home after she is displaced from the prairies to an unknown land. There is the Scarecrow, who longs for a brain, a Tin Man who longs for a heart, and a Lion who wants courage. Their journey is full of adventures as they set out to find a wizard in an emerald city who can give them what they most want in the world. The story takes us through their journey until finally they realize that Oz is just an old man from Omaha, Nebraska who is a ventriloquist. He has played into the delusion that he is a wizard for years, but is now tired of it. Ultimately, he shows the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion that throughout the journey they showed characteristics that demonstrate they already possessed a brain, a heart, and courage. Getting Dorothy home turns out to be a more difficult accomplishment.
These characters are regularly used to talk about the characteristics of intelligence, kindness and empathy, and courage.
I don't think of myself as a weak person. I'm strong-willed and can be stubborn. My family can attest to the fact that I have a temper, and I don't always use that temper in the right way. But there are times when I long for more courage in writing and in speaking. I long to gently, but clearly speak into situations.
Early this morning was one of those times.Around 6:40 every morning you will find me at the subway station in Cambridge, waiting for a train to take me three stops into the city. The protocol is the same every day: the train pulls up, the doors open, you wait for people to get off the train, and then you step in, hoping there is a seat.
Today as the doors opened, a woman around my age began to step out. As she stepped out, she almost tripped. Our eyes met and I looked inside the doors to see what was blocking her. A much younger man had blocked the door, causing her to stumble and lose her balance. As I realized what was happening, our eyes met and we shook our heads. We were both puzzled and somewhat stunned. I looked at the younger man and said "Whoah!" He turned and shouted out the door "Call the f*&^@in' police why don't you?" The door shut and the train began to move.
The man was standing and moved across to the other side. He looked at me and shouted "f'in terrorists! Do you think it's easy for me? Do you think it's easy? I've seen people die!" At this point, I got up and walked purposefully over to him. I looked at him and said "I've seen people die as well. A lot of us have seen people die." He looked at me and stomped off to the other door, where he shouted at us again that none of this was easy. At the Park Street stop he got off.
At this point, most of us in the subway were shaking. It was a difficult way to begin a Monday morning. The subway is always a kaleidoscope of color and diversity and everyone was feeling the heavy weight of what went down. As a health professional, my guess is that he had PTSD and severe anger issues.
But it still wasn't okay. It still isn't okay.As I relive the incident, I wish I had calmly but forcefully said "You need to stop.This is not okay." Or I wish I hadn't even gotten on the train, I wish I had taken the time to walk with the woman, to make sure she was okay and that she knew she had support.
I feel like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz, begging for courage. Only instead of an elderly man who was living out a delusion, I want courage from God to stand up for what is right, whether in speaking, writing, or everyday living. At the core, I lack courage. I am a people pleaser and I want people's approval. But wanting people's approval stifles me and too often leaves me keeping my mouth shut, thinking after the incident of what I want to say.
The incident felt awful and I was in tears by the time I arrived at my office. Thankfully, I have colleagues of many colors and backgrounds who help me process and move forward. There have only been two other times in the nine years that I have been riding the subway where I was truly disturbed, and the reality is, it's easier to handle when it happens to me than when it happens to others.
But it illustrates to me what my prayer and word for the year need to be. Quite simply, I need courage. I need courage to speak up stronger and better.
And so on this Monday morning, with my heart beating and my soul raw, my prayer is this: Lord have Mercy. Give me courage to get out of the safe bubbles that are so easy to find and crawl into. Help me to confront the wrong in myself first, and then gently, but firmly, speak up for others.