So they’ve remade Tope Hooper’s (or Steven Spielberg, depending on who you ask) classic horror Poltergeist. This will come as no shock to anyone who’s been alive for the past decade. Unlike most of the remakes this one made some degree of sense, as the original has not aged especially well. Will this be, as the trailer initially suggests, a completely pedestrian and unimaginative retread of the old script with an over-reliance on CGI but if you look closer you’ll find that it’s quite different.
The 2015 Poltergeist isn’t just banking on familiar images and audio, it’s tapping into a primal terror that haunts us every day. You might be looking at them right now…
Let’s begin by opening this door:
Wait, is there something hanging about me? What could it be?
OH GAWD IT’S A HAND!!! MY WORST FEAR!!!
Thank goodness that’s over. It would later turn out that there was an evil clown attached to it, but I never got over the fright of seeing that hand.
Wait, what are you doing…don’t go mucking around by putting your hand on that TV…
OH NO! YOU’VE SUMMONED MORE HANDS SOMEHOW!
Ok, those hands have gone away. Let’s do something sensible like wandering into this mysteriously large and dark cupboard. Hopefully there’s nothing terrible in there like a…
OH NO THERE’S A HAND IN THERE AND IT’S HAND-BUDDIES ARE GOING TO GET US!
THE HANDS THEY HAVE ME!
CRIPES, THEY’RE COMING OUT THE DOORS!
NOW A MUDDY ONE IS COMING OUT OF THE FLOOR!
Now this isn’t so bad, he’s just puking up slime and maggots.
BUT SUDDENLY THERE’S A HAND!
BUT WHOSE HAND IS IT!
NOW THE CLOWN IS JUMPING AT US WITH HIS HAAAAAAANDS!
GETTING PULLED UP THE STAIR BY WHAT I ASSUME IS AN INVISIBLE HAAAAAAND!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDS!
Seriously, it looks like the only thing this remake has to offer is random hands popping out unexpectedly. Hey, Poltergeist remake – I’ve got a hand for you!