There is a thing people forget about depression.
If you go to a doctor there is medication you can take. And if you go to a therapist you can talk about it and learn ways to cope with depression, and 98% of the time you will wake up in the morning and get out of bed and go to your job and things will be good or they will be great or they will be fine.
But 2% of the time (this is the thing people forget), things are not fine. Getting out of bed is hard. Accomplishing things is difficult. Eating is impossible. All you want to do is sleep. It’s not fun.
And because it’s 2% of the time, it doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, when depression takes you down, it’s really hard.
When January began, I had a lot of plans for how this year was going to go. And three weeks into January, everything imploded. And I had to rewire my brain to finish this semester. And I was stressed and anxious and a whole host of other things, and I tanked. I hit the 2%.
And then (on top of some personal things happening that decreased my stress and anxiety), a book arrived.
Esther Earl was 12 when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She wanted to be a writer, and she wanted to change the world. And she did both of those things, both before and after her death in 2010.
I learned about Esther through John Green, the author of The Fault in Our Stars and a Vlog Brother (in case you don’t know), who met Esther in 2009 at a Harry Potter convention. She had amazing friends online and became great friends with John and, after her death, her family wanted to publish her story. Because it’s an important story. And Esther was important.
I started reading the book the day that it came. And I fell in love with Esther. She was a beautiful young woman, and she was filled with light and love and she showed people how to love others and be awesome.
That might sound vague and generic, but I don’t know how else to describe Esther. She was lovely, and I wish I had known her when she was alive.
More than anything, This Star Won’t Go Out helped me. I was resting low in the 2%, and I was starting to feel like I couldn’t do it. Like I couldn’t spend any more time across the country from my family, and I couldn’t make it through the semester and I couldn’t put myself through the anxiety and stress of the job search.
And while I know that I can, because I’m strong and I’m brave and I’ve done it before, I was feeling like I couldn’t. I felt like I couldn’t do anything.
And Esther showed me I could. She showed me that, no matter what is happening in your life, you can love people and change the world and be awesome.
Even (especially?) when you’re 15 years old and have thyroid cancer.
And let me tell you something. If Esther can love people and be awesome, then so can I.
Esther wrote a letter to her future self, which was included in the book, and one of the last things she said will stick with me for a long time.
just…just be happy. and if you can’t be happy, do things that make you happy. or do nothing with people that make you happy.
Thanks, Esther, for reminding me that, even when I’m in the 2%, I can be happy. Because depression is not a death sentence, it is just a diagnosis. And loving people, being awesome, and channeling Esther can keep the 2% at bay.
If you’re struggling with depression, I know exactly how hard it can be. And I want you to know that you’re not alone. Esther would want you to know that you’re not alone. And if you need someone to talk to, I’m right here for you.
If you’re interested in picking up a copy of This Star Won’t Go Out (which I think you should), you can purchase it at Amazon.com (among other places). Esther will change your life.
Have a question about life, college, career, self-acceptance, or anything else? Ask it here. Question Thursday starts this week!