I have seen far too many posts recently on Emotional versus Physical Affairs. Have you noticed more of them lately too?
They all say basically the same thing and want to know which is worse, if there is a worse, Emotional or Physical? Yet, I don’t want to get into the differences or if there is one worse than the other because quite frankly, we know, BOTH are horrible things to do to you partner.
What I want to talk about is:
What Do You Do When Someone Emotionally “Checks Out” On You?
When I speak of this, I am speaking from experience. You may remember my other posts on Relationships and Infidelity from last year:
- You’re Playing With Fire
- Accept Your Past Mistakes
- Apparently I’m Still Haunted
- Getting Past Betrayal and Moving Forward
- The Power To Forgive
I don’t want to dig up the past because I have definitely moved on from that pain but it is important for us to know that our partners can emotionally “check out” on us in our relationships.
What Does Emotionally “Check Out” Mean?
These are affairs that exclude “physical intimacy” and is usually referred to as “affairs of the heart”. There is an emotional connection between your partner and someone else. Let me say this now, Men totally don’t get that this is cheating nor that it is NOT alright to do!
If confronted, your partner may state that it is just a “friend” or a “friendship”, however, what they don’t tell you is that they are telling this other person their most intimate thoughts. They may even be spilling the beans on your own intimate relationship. They open their heart to another person and because that other person listens and consoles them, they connect. This is the emotional connection.
It may begin innocently as a “friendship”. Over time, this person will become more attached, sometimes obsessed with talking to this other person. They want to spend more time with this other person that’s outside of their current relationship. They want to talk to them on the phone or text them more than they would with the person they are in a relationship with. As the emotional bond strengthens, they pull further away from their partner and “fall in love” or “infatuated” with this emotional affair person.
Wiki Definition
“A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.”[1]
This is Wrong!
Someone who is having an “emotional” affair will be in denial.
- They don’t think anything is wrong
- They will deny being emotionally involved
- They may take it as far as “emotional” sex as in sexting, phone sex, or other types of online intimacy
When the emotional affair has gone for quite some time and is no longer satisfying, this is when an attempt for a more “physical” affair may happen.
What To Look For
- Deception – lying to be able to spend time with the emotional affair partner
- Secrecy – leaving out details of ones whereabouts when away from their partner and feeling defensive if asked
- Increased fighting between partners in a relationship
- Partner may pull away from intimacy
They characteristics are very similar to those in an actual physical affair.
Can One Stop Having An Emotional Affair?
Absolutely! However, it may be hard for him/her to stop the affair. Know that it won’t be an instant stop of the affair. Therapy/Counseling may be able to assist one getting over the affair.
But What About the Partner Who Was Cheated On?
This is a huge question!
One has to think:
- Am I willing to forgive in order to continue the relationship with my partner?
- Am I able to forgive and move on in the relationship?
- Is the “cheater” deserving of my forgiveness?
- Would I be better off without the “cheater”?
I will say now, it is NOT easy to forgive and it takes a lot of work and healing. I will also say, It Takes Two to want to salvage the relationship and commit to healing and strengthening the relationship.
Can It Work?
Absolutely! Along with trying to forgive the “cheater”, you will also have to learn how to retrust that person. It takes time, commitment, and understanding from both partners. Both partners MUST want it or the relationship will fail.
Emotional affairs are much more devastating in my opinion and maybe I’ll save the “Why” for another post.
What are you thoughts on Emotional Affairs? Have you ever had one? Has your partner ever emotionally “checked out” on you and if so, were you able to salvage the relationship or did it end?
I’d love to hear from you!