Something happen yesterday and sparked a thought. I won't mention names because I don't want to hurt feelings and step on toes, even though I really should not care much about upsetting this particular person.
First lets put the events of yesterday into perspective. Please know that they are related. Only by nature.
When I was a teen I had a high school crush the same as every other gal my age. It's safe to say I was eat up with a boy and for several years and the feeling not were not exactly mutual. I was used as a trophy. Paraded around when he needed truck seat candy or arm candy. When it came to really settling down and seriousness it was a no go. Eventually I became the go to gal when he needed a ego boost or a shoulder. Each time he came running for one of these things the thought was always in the back of my mind that maybe he was going to stay. Change. Be satisfied with me longer then a couple days. Finally after piecing myself back together about forty times I shook him off. I stopped answering calls and stopped answering the door. When his name was brought up in our circle I simple walked away. It took me 7 years.
Around the time he exited my life another man entered. Not a boyfriend figure but someone who's attention I longed for. I tried everyway I could think of to grab his attention and hold it but I failed at every attempt. Like the teenage crush, he popped in and out and never blinked. It always left me in shambles. As the years have passed I have learned how to take the "pop in's" for what they really are. But, these days, and yesterday.......he hit me where it hurts by "popping in" by means of my children. I know most of you are extremely confused and this post makes no good sense. I guess it's simply a documentation that I can look back on and remember how I felt this day. It's not fair. To use my children as trophy's. To brag to others about them as if he played any part in the young men they are growing into. As if they would even know him if they met him on the street. Part of me wanted to grab up that "pop in" and run with it. I almost suggested a visit. But then I remembered what it felt like to be young and long for the attention of someone only to be disappointed and left feeling not good enough. Not only could I not do that to myself, but certainly not to my children. The days of me making exerting myself to have a relationship with this man are over. If he wants to trophy me or my children around then he needs to put forth the effort. Honestly, I have swallowed the fact that that will never happen.