North Pole (AP) – Cult leader, Santa Claus, escaped capture following a late night surprise raid on the cult’s ice-fortified headquarters deep in Alaska’s remote frontier.
Claus refused to answer federal warrants listing numerous crimes including producing and transporting merchandise without federal permits, employing physically disabled “elves” without minimum wage guarantees or medical insurance through The Affordable Health Care Act, child abuse charges, suspicion of illegal use of drugs, failing to file flight plans, and animal abuse of reindeers.
Elements of the federal government, the US Army, and the National Guard, waited throughout the dark Arctic day on December 24 for the surviving elves and their leader to surrender to federal marshals. Efforts to negotiate with Claus were suspended just before midnight when Claus failed to answer the phone. Claus had earlier claimed that he was just finishing an important document that he had been working on throughout the year. Claus is reported to have said that he had to check his list over twice, after which he would leave the Toy Factory. Officials took this to mean that Claus would surrender at midnight after completing the document he had been working on. The list is thought to be the Naughty/Nice list named in a search warrant and reported to be evidence in the federal arrest warrant naming Claus as a child abuser who has mentally abused children for years by threatening to withhold gifts to modify behavior.
Shortly after midnight, when it was apparent that Claus was not going to surrender, more than 100 federal agents and combat infantry soldiers, together with large-tracked snow machines and helicopters providing rocket and machine gun cover, attacked the gingerbread facility where it was said that Claus and cult followers manufactured illegal weapons, radios, boots, and other military hardware. ATF spokesman Charles Steele said that tear gas was intentionally used to subdue the remaining elves in order to protect federal agents from possible harm. Claus is also suspected of using cocaine in order to produce the massive quantities of illegal products to be left in homes after entering illegally. Federal agents have expressed fear that drugged elves would present a great risk and would need to be defensively gassed.
Witnesses on the scene reported that neither Claus nor any elves was seen within the building just before the attack. Within moments of the arrival of the first wave of armor, smoke was seen coming from a side window. Within minutes the factory was engulfed in flames reported to have been ignited by timed incendiary devices left by fleeing elves who, according to federal marshals, intended to destroy evidence. Commanders on the scene apparently allowed the building to burn to provide warmth for their soldiers in the sub-zero arctic cold. Steele, in a hasty press conference, confirmed that an underground entrance had been located in the ashes and that investigators have followed a tunnel to what appears to be an alternate runway and hanger area. Evidence left on the scene appears to confirm rumors that two black, unmarked sleighs being pulled by camouflaged reindeer were seen moving toward the south in the sky. Air Force AWACS aircraft later confirmed that two objects were seen headed south, but could not determine their destination or direction with certainty as radar showed Claus to be in many different places at once.
Sources near the scene support the theory that Claus and the surviving elves, together with an undetermined cargo and an unknown number of livestock, fled. Steele commented, “Their whereabouts is unknown at this time, but we have reports coming in from all over that Claus is again distributing illegal weapons. Rifles, shotguns, ammunition, reloading supplied, survival gear, and MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) are showing up under trees in thousands of homes across the country. One US Marshal spoke off the record saying that Claus is the head of a gang of super patriots bent on overthrowing the government. He said, “We are certain that a conspiracy exists. No doubt Claus is making contacts throughout his network tonight. We do not know where he is now, but we will find him and bring both Claus and his cult followers to justice.”
Unconfirmed sources say that a whiskered man, surrounded by short camo-clad people has been seen among leaders of a group calling itself the Alaska Militia. It is thought that Claus had been alerted to the pending attack by members of the Alaska Militia through an internet forum they call The Network.
United States Attorney General Eric Holder was unavailable for comment and is reported to be golfing with President Obama in the Bahamas.
H/t Alaska Citizens Militia and FOTM’s Wild Bill Alaska! :D
~Eowyn