So the old joke goes that for a country that suffers so much rain Ireland has the worst waterproof clothing! We rely all too heavily on the umbrella to keep us dry and in the hands of the wrong person it's a ghastly invention! Given our recent spell of persistent rain I've had plenty of time to think about our obsession with the umbrella and I've come up with some suggestions on its usage.
A portable device for keeping you dry NOT a weapon! Umbrellas should come with health warnings!
1. The most important thing to note is that your umbrella is not a weapon. When exiting a building/Luas/bus/Dart look before you put up your umbrella. This is particularly important for those of you with automatic umbrellas. There is nothing worse than being smacked unawares across the face with a soggy yet sharp umbrella on your way to work in the morning. When not using your umbrella another important safety point to remember is to hold your umbrella by the handle and not by its middle. Those who hold it in the middle often have a habit of moving their arms while walking in quite an unsettling manner and run the risk of impaling other passersby in the groin. Safety first people.
2. Carrying on from the first point my next suggestion is that your umbrella is not a pointing stick and to use it in this fashion can render it a weapon.
Learn to use your umbrella properly!
3. There are a few romantics among you, and quite frankly I think you're nuts, who claim to like rain! You sling your umbrella over your shoulder in a nonchalant way and meander the streets. I would like to point out that you are NOT an extra from Singing in the Rain and your umbrella is in the way.
4. This leads me neatly on to point number four; how to hold your umbrella properly when it's raining. As pointed out above your umbrella goes directly over your head. You may angle it slightly to deflect the rain but the path in front of you should always be visible. Now this is the important point ... when met with oncoming pedestrian traffic RAISE your umbrella above their heads. This even includes the smaller in stature among you who seem to think you are exempt but whose umbrella spokes are directly at the eye level of the rest of us.
5. Point number five is brief but very important. Unless you are playing golf you do not need a golf umbrella. That monstrosity which should require planning permission ought be left for when you are on the links. Though why you'd want to play golf in the rain is beyond me.
Put it in the bin!
6. You'd think point number six would not need to be pointed out to adults. It's one that makes me really mad so you'll excuse if I shout. DON'T PUT YOUR FRIGGING WET UMBRELLA ON THE LUAS/BUS/DART SEAT. There are a few of us who wont always believe that the dampness beneath us came from an umbrella and will spend the entire day thinking we've sat on a seat that someone has wee'd on.
7. We have a plethora of bins throughout the city. When your umbrella is rendered useless by the wind use one of them.
8. Get a hat.
Don't despair though, it can't rain all the time ... can it??? :)