Every day should be Double Coupon Day, Miss Thang.
My belly’s gonna bring home the bacon. Half price.
I just wanna win the money & the crown. You heard me.
Who you gonna check, Boo?
Pageant Girrrrl, pleeez.
The hot dogs and generic toilet paper may be discounted, but we got some full price attitude tonight, didn’t we honey boo-boo child?
Toddlers & Tiaras delivered an overloaded combo platter of finger kisses and coupon clipping this week…and they were both Extreme.
It was time for the Precious Moments Pageant, which was an oddly themed Harvest Extravaganza decorated in pumpkins and hay bales, which allowed outfits ranging from bathing suits to your Christmas Holiday best. Not sure where the Michael’s Craft Store scarecrows fit into the whole scheme of things when you’re wearing a velveteen Radio City Rockette ensemble, but I guess that’s why I don’t decorate stages for little kid pageants.
First up was 6 year old Alana.
Firecracker ain’t the word.
This little nugget was wound tighter than the elastic around her Mom’s plastic accordion coupon organizer. And both were busting at the seams.
You see, Mom June is an Extreme Couponer.
Extreme. Like you see on TV right before Animal Hoarders comes on.
They even had the required miles and miles of plastic DIY shelving from that back aisle in Target, all loaded down with 197 jugs of All Purpose Cheer laundry detergent and enough deodorant to supply the troops in Iraq.
They were also stocked with enough Reynolds Wrap to build a tin foil satellite dish that you could see from Space while at the same time supplying all of America with free cable and internet. The money that Mom saves by spiking her adrenaline through couponing goes right back into the pageant game.
Alana is the most hyper, delightfully spastic combination of a mini Anna Nicole Smith (..before she started getting stoned on more than pixie stix…), that pudgy kid who sang with Mickey Rooney in all those 1940′s musicals (…”I know! Let’s put on a show in the barn…!”) and any random sassy black girl on Bravo TV that you could ever hope to run into in the 500 items or more line at the Piggly Wiggly Grocery Store.
MmmHmm. Dat’s rite, honey boo-boo child. Oh no she din’t just take my crown. Oh, hell no. She did NOT just go there on the playground.
Alana danced, shimmied and two snapped her way through every scene, when she wasn’t throwing 4 packs of toilet paper all over the living room. I guess when you have a separate room in your home for paper products you can afford to toss a few Angel Soft missiles at Mike “Sugar Bear” Dad.
I didn’t ask. Some nicknames should stay in the bedroom.
While Alana was building a paper towel fort, 8 year old Laci was workin’ on her own sass.
Mom Alicia hinted that we would all go Gaga for her daughter, so you pretty much knew where this one was going. She also proudly admitted to bribing her daughter with chocolate to get her to practice her pretty feet poses. The up side to that is the sugar buzz. The down side is your child stopping every two steps and screaming for chocolate.
I mean…screaming.
At first I thought she was terrified at the sight of those nasty ceramic horse head table lamps in the background, but it turns out she really wanted some cocoa. By the time she was rolling on the kitchen floor with chocolate all around her and explaining that she goes into Chocolate Heaven, the whole thing got a little creepy.
Add about 10 years onto her birth certificate and melt the chocolate, and you’ve got yourself some soft porn that those guys on Dateline would pay to download.
Honey boo-boo…eat your food at the table before you start a lifetime of bad habits and regrets.
Finally, we took a little trip to Heaven. Or at least 6 year old Heaven’s house.
Apparently born with a wad of Bazooka Joe Bubble gum already wedged in her mouth, Heaven squished and snapped her way through the episode like a Jersey hairdresser.
I’ll give her props. For such a small amount of teeth she did manage to keep the gum in her mouth for a good percentage of the time, only losing track of it on occasion. Mom Brooklyn lets her stand on the kitchen counter and chomp away as she applies a coat of fake tan in preparation for the Big Day.
Mom also lets the little wiener dog lay on the counter, so I probably won’t be having dinner over there anytime soon.
When Laci isn’t working on her Money Face and dreaming of being Miss Grand Supreme Sumthin Sumthin, she is dreaming of killing deer.
Ayuh. She and Dad go huntin’ in the hopes of baggin’ her first piece of roadkill before the pageant, and she’s so excited that she fears she may pass out from the excitement. But after two hours of sitting in one of those little huntin’ shacks with the peep holes for your rifle and not even seeing a single deer, getting your eyebrows plucked out doesn’t seem like such a bad idea after all.
As Laci tries to avoid the PETA van parked outside her house, Alana is rehearsing her pouty faces on the local high school stage. Not quite certain why the living room wasn’t good enough for them, but it was probably on the way to another grocery store, so why not? If you can work it out on stage and still come home with another 85 tubes of Colgate for Sensitive teeth…then hell yeah.
Deciding against the usual “Work it Girl…Shake that booty, Girl” motivational cues during rehearsal, Mom instead continually reminds Alana to “Show Your Belly!” in much the same manner you would yell it to a drunk chick on the balcony during Mardi Gras.
And just like in New Orelans…yell it enough, and they will.
And she does.
Little Alana clamps onto that not so little bowl full of jelly and works it like it’s a piece of Tim Burton claymation, squeezing and smooching it into every shape that you can possibly mold 6 year old baby fat into without actually having a Playdough Factory press in the room.
Finally it’s time to see if the Money Faces and the Belly Shots can make it happen.
It’s Pageant Day! Everyone wants to win the Grand Supreme crown. You can tell it’s the Big Dawg crown because the pumpkin is wearing it on the stage. That’s how you know it’s a big deal. All the other crowns are on the table, waiting for the losers.
But before the actual categories get rolling, we get a quick lesson on how to rev up your pageant engines.
Unlike the car sitting in your garage, these engines run waaaay better with some sugar poured directly into the tank.
We get schooled in the fine art of Go Go Juice vs. Candy. Alana’s Mom feels that her Special Juice, besides being not at all bad for a 6 year old, does the trick better than the 15 bags of pixie stix they used to feed her before pageants.
Yeah. That many. Granted she probably used a coupon for them, but still.
Re-read that last line and then go watch the scene on your DVR. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.
Except for look at who is saying it again. And then come back and we can talk about what’s healthy and what’s not.
Seriously. You do not want Jennifer Hudson catching this on youtube.
Anyway. Laci could have used a Go Go Grenade right before the show started as she sat there comatose with her head tipped down under the weight of all her fake hair.
Poor little peanut was either caving under the sheer volume of her weave, or she didn’t want to look up and see what Heaven had on her head.
I don’t even know what that was. Some kind of big round honey comb looking thing with more finger curls than Alana has detergent bottles back home. At first I thought Mom was punishing her for something that she did at home…you know…you break Mommy’s favorite vase and she’s gonna make you wear some funky hair next time or something. I don’t know.
Check it out after you watch the part about 15 bags of pixie stix.
The Beauty category was just as boring as Alana said it would be, but I think that was mainly because she couldn’t wait to get into her whacky Elly May Clampett costume for Outfit of Choice, which turned out to be a Daisy Duke costume gone bad.
But she worked it, and showed her belly like a sophomore on Spring Break. Mom got her first taste of exercise as she jumped and posed and tried to direct Alana through her routine, but after enough Go Go Juice to turn her lips green Alana wasn’t really paying much attention.
Heaven’s routine was a twirly little Pinocchio number which went really well until Dad lost his focus and forgot to go and pick her up off the stage. Whoops. Better on the stage than at preschool, I guess.
But the showstopper that everyone went Gaga for was…der…Gaga. In her Meat Dress. Or Meat Bikini, since little girls need to show more skin than Lady Gaga does at Madison Square Garden.
Laci was backstage getting raw meat safety pinned to her bathing suit and having a major nutty as the tenderloin was touching her skin. Kind of ironic in a way since she could have killed that deer herself if she had had a better day in the huntin’ tent.
Careful what you wish for Miss Laci.
About four slices into the meal prep, Mom realized that this was not going to happen. I guess they didn’t rehearse the meat hanging part.
I also guess that killing it and gutting it off the garage door is a lot easier than hanging it off your Gymboree speedo. Who knew?
Luckily they are a family that always travels with more than one Gaga outfit in the trunk, as well as a big glitter egg in case they need to stuff their daughter into something, so someone ran out to the truck and came back with the back up Gaga and the day was saved.
None of our triple threats got the big Pumpkin Crown…that went to another little niblet.
The other girls were a little bummed.
Alana got all Oh No She Din’t again, did some belly squishing and then called it a night.
Honey boo-boo child has left the building, bitches.