I’m Makenzie and I’m gettin’ my hair did. Shoo.
I don’t know how those Queens wear these things.
I feel another meltdown coming on real soon.
…Ni-Ni! Don’t I have people to handle this yet?
Let Uncle DJ show you how it’s done, girlfriend.
Girl, pleez.
I need my pixie stix. And a spray tan.
And probably an insulin injection after all that sugar.
And as long as you’re making a list, Uncle DJ could use some more duct tape and Maybelline concealer.
I swear, you can’t even make this stuff up.
This week Toddlers & Tiaras had it all.
In one combo platter of glitter glam and sparkle spaz we got the heralded Return of the reigning Kiddie Pageant Queen (and my personal idol) Makenzie Myers, enough candy to light up half the USA if someone could figure out how to harness all that wired up energy, and even got schooled in Fierce 101 by none other than RuPaul’s Drag Race alumnus Shangela Laquifa Wadley.
That’s right you better work it. Halleloo!
You knew it was going to be a good one when right out of the gate crazy eyed Director Tonya explained the Lollipops and Gumdrops Beauty Pageant and broke it down for those of us to slow to figure out the candy theme on our own.
Tonya definitely has an eye for detail, especially since she didn’t blink once the entire time she spoke. (I’m starting to think that someone’s been dipping into the prize snack bags when no one is looking.) The pageant is held in what basically looks like a life sized Candyland Game box dumped over in the middle of a hotel ballroom.
The decorations are candy. The gigantic crowns have crystalized cupcakes and simulated candy gemstones in the design. There is even a Candy Wear portion of the competition. (All I could think of were those edible undies made out of Smarties that they always sell in Spencer Gift stores, but I figured even TLC wouldn’t stoop that low.)
Even Tonya was holding one of those oversized, swirly multi-colored lollipops to get her point across, which she chose to seductively lick like she was one of those foreign girls in the 1-800 ad in the back of a dirty magazine. For only $1 a minute she will explain the rules.
I think I got it, Sweetie. Thanks. She makes me laugh, in a good way.
The big draw this week was having Makenzie back on TV.
After the miniaturized Anna Nicole clone Eden Wood retired at the ripe old age of 6, Makenzie took over the title as the lone Toddlers & Tiaras break-out star. But look over your shoulder, Mak…Honey Boo-Boo Child wants the title, and is hot on your heels this week after crashing the internet with her belly dance.
Or was that a dancing belly? You decide.
But what Boo-Boo has in belly fat, Makenzie more than makes up for in attitude, both good and bad. We love her when she is a typical spaced out 6 year old. But we love her more when she melts down. If you need a refresher, feel free to sing along with her Makenzie House Mix Video right here.
The last time we saw Makenzie she had gone home empty handed. Not even a tiny crown. She was devasted, and so was America.
Since then she has lost some more teeth and gained even more attitude. When she pops her defensive tackle football mouthpiece in, she is just as bright and shiny as we remember. No one can terrorize the family cat and have a dramatic collapse on the ground like Makenzie can.
Mom Juana still looks like a 1960′s Priscilla Presley photo that never gets any sleep.
You try living with Makenzie and then see how much down time you get. And now that Makenzie is a celebrity, all the other 6 year old girls and Anderson Cooper want to hang out with her. Makenzie’s famous now.
Ask her. She’ll tell you.
Hoping to steal the crown and the candy from everyone else are sisters Brooke and Kaylie. These two siblings will either grow up as inseparable best friends, or smother each other with pillows. Hard to tell so far.
Mom Joni and Dad Shaun are pretty low key for Pageant Parents. Almost a disappointment to anyone expecting to find a bag of crazy leaking on the carpet.
Aside from the fact that they have lacqured their daughters faces on the side of a horse trailer, Mom and Dad fully support their kids and seem pretty normal so the biggest flaw I could find was that they have that same micro fiber sectional with the built in cup holders that every Pageant Family seems to own.
Seriously?
I swear. Is that a requirement to be on this show, or does TLC push that same living room set from house to house?
You know I’m right.
And speaking of pushing it. Push it.
Not a micro fiber sofa. A shopping cart.
And push it like a homeless woman in New York City, bitch.
You heard me. Those are pretty much the directions 9 year old Hailey received from her Uncle DJ as he helped rehearse her Candy Wear routine. While most Uncles would be out huntin’ or skinnin’ something down there, DJ was more than happy to assist in the pageant prep.
I guess when you are trying to learn how to sashay and work that stage it helps to have a Drag Queen in your extended family. Turns out DJ and his alter ego Shangela are both BFFs with Mom Shemanda.
Besides having a name that’s right off a BET music video, Mom is also fairly fierce in her own right. But to really get it done you need to tuck your junk and pad your bootay, so it was Shangela to the rescue.
Hailey loves her some Shangela, and thinks Drag Queens are good role models.
They also make good chauffeurs when you need to get your mani and pedi, so Shangela (…in her boy clothes…) takes Hailey to the strip mall salon so they can both get their nails did. It gave them some great bonding time, and also allowed that creepy Asian man in the background some time to uncomfortably stare them down. What was that all about, dude? Worry about your own nails.
Luckily the creepy guy was not invited to the Backyard Walk-off between Hailey and Shangela. (I said Walk-off…don’t be gross. I totally heard it wrong the first time, too.)
With a couple of elderly church goers and some sugared up kids from the playground as their audience, Hailey and Shangela (…in her girl clothes…and girl bootay…) worked the back porch like it was a Chelsea Pier Tea Party until two of the kids almost wet themselves on the lawn chairs.
Since Makenzie is a pint sized celeb now, she needs to worry about paparazzi wherever she goes. Granted, the paparazzi seem to be a pack of grade school girls with day glow poster board signs, but regardless…Makenzie needs to buy “arrival outfits” now that she has been on TMZ, and it gives her time to drive Priscilla Presley a little more crazy.
When they arrive at the pageant it’s clear that Makenzie has…well…arrived as the little girls squeal like piglets when they get a glimpse of her. The whole things wears out Mom a little, but it comes with the territory and eye liner ain’t cheap.
Getting ready for the pageant is always more fun to watch than the pageant itself.
While that Backstreet Boy MC dude with the frosted tips was prepping the podium, Makenzie was chugging Costco sized pixie stix and trying to pull her false eye lashes off as Mom pounded her head against the wall.
Gah, I love Makenzie.
Tonya explained that the Beauty portion of the competition meant that they were focusing on the face. For Beauty. Facial Beauty alone.
Again. We get it. Go back to your lollipop.
Seems that the three mile long pixie stix that Makenzie inhaled must have bloated her up a little, because her belly was showing on stage through a little opening in her cupcake dress.
Wait. Either that, or she was sending a subliminal message to Honey Boo-Boo Child to back off. This is still Makenzie turf, and there ain’t room for two bellies on stage.
That must have been what happened. Well played, Ms. Myers.
Mom got a little stressed, considering that Mak also had a little walking goober when she tripped on her half size too big shoes, but it was all good.
For the Candy Wear portion, it was total sugar chaos. Anything goes.
Makenzie did her Bad Girl Minnie Mouse and shook it like a Polaroid picture.
Brooke danced around a giant Atomic Fireball container. You know those candies. The ones that make your tongue all red for two days.
Kaylie did an odd little skit where she was shopping and picking out a shirt. Not sure where the candy theme fell into that one, unless it was referring to the future Sugar Daddy that will allow her the means to freely shop Fifth Avenue. Could be now that I think about it.
Hailey did indeed push it like a homeless woman as she shoved a Glitz Candy Cart across the stage. She tried to do her best Shangela and remember everything that Uncle DJ taught her, but sometimes a 9 year old girl just can’t work it like a man dressed as a woman with fake boobs can work it, no matter how hard she tries.
But she won Min Supreme and a Cupcake Crown, so suck it haters.
Luckily before Juana had an aneurism, Backstreet Boy leaned on the podium like it was Closing Time at Hooters and announced that Makenzie had won the top honor Beauty Supreme. Not the big, big Supreme, but the highest, biggest Beauty Supreme.
Bottom line she got a crown and didn’t cry and break the hearts of everyone in America for a second time.
She did have a Makenzie moment after it was all over as she tried to play with the other girls but the paparazzi kept hugging her and getting all up in her grill.
“Ok, seriously. Stop hugging me.” And I quote.
Did I mention that I love me some Makenzie?
Hug you? Sorry. Not doing it.
You are still driving me nuts.