Girl, I don’t need no hooker outfit. Just a fake tan, fake hair, fake nails and my Hello Kitty lip gloss. Oh it’s on, Paisley.
Boogers. Boogers. Boogers. Boogers. Booooooogers. Booooooooogers.
Lawd. White people are crazy.
I’ll take a coffee with 5 lumps. But hold the coffee. That s*** just waters down my sugar, honey.
It’s wicked hahd seein’ her be such a losah. Sucks like the ’86 Red Sox.
Cover your eyes. The glitter could potentially blind you.
Cover your nose. The aerosol could easily asphyxiate you or your loved ones.
Cover your face. Someone might see that look of shame you now carry for snuggling up to another season of that show you watch religiously and yet vow to never speak of in public.
That’s right. They’re baaaack!
New York City hadn’t even cleared the streets from the Dance Moms invasion before Times Square was hit head on by the sparkly asteroid known as Toddlers & Tiaras.
It’s another batch of bite sized Pageant Princesses and their vicariously living Pageant Mom enablers! Pop the lid on your Go-Go Juice, because this is the Best. News. Ever.
The show that you love to hate is back, with all the sequins and shiny stuff that you have come to expect. And now that TLC has been pixie dusting our screens for a few years, there are quite a few break out stars on the Ramada ballroom circuit that are sure to show up for this latest round of suburbia disturbia.
Two of the most recent Big Dawgs on the runway are back this week to jumpstart the festivities as the gang all headed to the Darling Divas New York New York Pageant.
First off, we got reintroduced to 3 year old patootie Paisley Dickey who is best known for hoochin’ out in that Julia Roberts Pretty Woman prostitute outfit last year. That whole thing didn’t go as well as Mom Wendy had anticipated, now did it?
Paisley is also well known for being willing to sell her own organs for a Sam’s Club tub of cheese dip. Forget college or the light bill. All Paisley wanted last year if she pulled in any cash on the runway was that cheese dip. Cheese dip. Cheese dip. Cheese dip.
I don’t even have a Sam’s card, but I might break down if she keeps talking about how finger licking good it is. Now that Paula Dean can’t be my go to point person for all things cheese, I need to find someone out there who knows the good stuff. Paisley seems to be the authority.
I just hope she doesn’t double dip at cocktail parties, because anytime that Paisley’s not eating cheese dip she’s picking her nose like it’s her day job. And singing about it.
Pickin’ and Singin’. Singin’ and Pickin’.
Nashville…are you listening? Isn’t that your shtick?
Nose Gold aside, Paisley is so cute that I might need to take a hit off Paula’s insulin before the end of this season, because that little niblet is so precious I just want to go out on the street right now and slap someone for no reason what so ever. She is cute.
Period.
Wendy, who proudly explained how slutting up her daughter led to “their” fame and stardom, is text book Pageant Mom. She is determined to take her little fuzzy Georgia Peach and unleash her on the Big Apple, and has hired an agent to help with that process.
Yeah. An agent. Blake.
Blake said he is one of the top sumthin sumthin agents in New York and has really white teeth, and a tongue that he can’t seem to keep in his mouth. He also snapped and fo’ shizzled his head side to side like he was a Bad Girl on VH1.
Dude. Your’e not. You also are at the LaGuardia Hotel for a baby Glitz Pageant. Call me when you and Angelina have lunch, ok?
Next on deck, was 5 year old Isabella Barret and her Yawkey Way Mom Susanna.
If Mom’s thick accent is any indication, I believe there must be documentation out there somewhere to prove that Isabella was both conceived and delivered under the bleachers at Fenway Park. I mean Fenway Pahhhk. Love me some Boston Southie drawl.
Isabella is best known for getting snagged by TMZ fresh off a spray tan, where Mom (allegedly) spoon fed her smack talk about Paisley and that whole Pretty Woman Slut Puppy debacle. Mom says she didn’t, but Izzy couldn’t respond to any questions without looking off to the side for coaching. Maybe it was just Barney the Dinosaur off camera buying some bronzer and she was distracted. Whatever, Mom.
If you slow the TMZ reel down you can almost see Susanna’s hand up Izzy’s dress like a Charlie McCarthy puppet.
They proudly boast that they put the “IT” in Italian. And the “FUN” in Dysfunctional. And the “BROKE” in Family Finances as they showed us the $5,000 Beauty dress splattered with 3000 crystals and the salty tears of at least 10 sweatshop children.
In the last 8 months Susanna has spent upwards of $40,000 on Bling. The least Isabella could do is say it with the proper attitude. Mom has a tendency to make Isabella keep repeating all her catch phrases and sassy finger snaps until she gets them just right. Say it. No. Say it again. Say it. Noooo. That’s not how you do it.
After all that I needed to chill, and luckily we got to meditate with 8 year old Shian and her sassy Mom Trisma. (What Baby Book had those two names? Anyone?)
Shian is a little Diva in Training. Kind of Beyoncé-ish, kind of old skool girl group. She thinks her Mom is cray cray.
Mom is loud and proud, and meditates before each pageant in preparation for sliding down the shoot to DivaLand. Her words, not mine. Shian has an alter ego. Natch.
Now don’t get me wrong. I love me some Beyoncé, and could easily give Lady B a run for her money in a Single Ladies Dance-Off. But all by herself that bitch has somehow given every African American girl I know a split personality. Sasha Fierce entered our water system and some mass text message went out to every playground in America to line up at the bubbler and take a hit.
Trisma is a hoot. Sister don’t take no crap. You know she is on the Wendy Williams Show Facebook page every day getting all “Ooooooh Girl, no she din’t.” She sez she’s passionate about pageants. MmmHmm. Loved her on the spot. Her wigs and weaves were a little whacky, and always looked like they needed one more tug to the right, but she’s a sassy one. I see where Shian gets her MoJo. And her split personality.
Like any good Mom though, the kids come first. So tightening them weaves had to wait because she just coughed up enough bank to buy 12 dresses for the pageant. Twelve.
That meant no extensions. And no fixing the front gate, which was a hot mess. It must be exhausting to have to go outside every 30 minutes and yank their little wiener dog to safety when he gets stuck in that gaping hole in the front. You’d think that little sausage would learn.
But no worries. Pretty soon he’ll be able to slip right through that hole because he exercises every day with Shian. They’ll both be pageant ready soon. Their morning run was fun to watch.
As a result of the whole TMZ throw down, Isabella and Paisley’s Moms are not showing much love for each other, which translates into Anything Goes to Beat That Bitch.
Super Agent Man Blake took Paisley to a Child Stylist who was paid to morph her from Country Mouse to City Mouse before the show. It was basically the whole Julia Roberts thing all over again, but in a more family friendly manner. We got a little Paisley fashion show that gave everyone just enough time to realize that all a Child Stylist does is hand a kid some clothes and wait for them to get dressed.
Sign me up. I’ll be in the Mall Food Court.
While Paisley was getting static in her hair from pulling all those sparkly tops over her head, Shian and her alter ego were battling it out in the nail salon.
Both the nail tech and Mom said no to gel tips. Shian and Shian #2 said yes. One of the Shians had a meltdown, and next thing you know…bam. Nail tips.
Even though they are not recommended for young girls, and can ruin their nails for life, Shian wanted them burned into her flesh. I think Trisma was afraid that Shian might splinter into thirds, and that bedroom ain’t big enough for three mini Divas. So nail tips were applied and it was Pageant Time.
The prep work for the event was the typical hair and makeup pandemonium that every hotel has come to expect.
Isabella pointed out that her Mom was “Friggin’ stressed” and then bet $20 on the Yankees game.
Shian didn’t get her Diva meditation time, and as a result was feeling the nerves, as were all the crazy chicks in her hotel room. The only way I can describe that room was to tell you to picture any random episode of Flavor of Love with an 8 year old in curlers running through the scene. Trisma was not having a good day. We’ll leave it at that.
Right before Paisley went on stage for her beauty, she realized that she had to tinkle. I mean right before. Like standing at the stage.
In a soon to be classic Toddlers moment, Dad Scott scooped her up like she was an explosive device and ran through the hotel while the Mission:Impossible theme song played in the background.
Remember the old 1960s Batman show when Adam West was running around the docks and couldn’t get rid of the smoking bomb in his hands?
If you loved the show but can’t recall that particular episode…check it out on youtube.
If you’re so young that you didn’t even know that there were years called the 1960s…well…just screw you. Go to bed. You have school tomorrow and you shouldn’t be online anyway.
The whole beauty part of the pageants is always pretty tame. They save the crazy for the theme portions.
This one was all about New York City. Der.
To get Isabella on her game, Mom tore open two full packets of hotel sugar as if they were life saving pellets and dumped them down Izzy’s throat like a garbage disposal. You know how in medical shows they tear the needle pack open with their teeth, spit the paper out and spike the patients blood sugar?
Like that, but carefully so she didn’t get lip gloss on her teeth.
It seems that Susanna didn’t read the warnings on the back of the packets before she crammed them into her daughter’s face, because all that sugar caused a crash that could be heard from the International Space Station. Isabella came to a screeching halt on stage and stood there like she was having a bad acid trip. Coming down’s the hardest part, honey.
Susanna’s reaction was classic Drama Queen. She needed a moment.
Paisley chugged across the stage in a little plastic car that Dad then proceeded to pull back over her like rush hour on the Expressway. The audience gasped as though they just witnessed an actual head on collision involving a daycare bus. It’s a pageant. Calm down. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.
Paisley’s outfit this go round was a Lady Gaga inspired number, which had been done to death. But the fact that Mom hooched out her kid a second time? Seriously? This costume was a little calmer, with only a few cut outs and missing parts.
She even got to rehearse ripping off the skirt part while bouncing on a hotel bed earlier in the day. Get it out of your system now, I guess. When a 3 year old does that, it’s only disturbing. When a 16 year old does that, Chris Hansen shows up.
Shian squeezed into a girdle that Trisma pulled out of her purse and strutted her best Diana Ross. (What a rip. My Mom only had mints in her pocketbook…never any shape wear.)
Shian brought them to Church, I tell you. Half the audience was testifying by the end of her song.
Then some kids won some stuff.
You don’t really care about that part. It did get a little ugly when it turned out that Shian’s age category had 14 little beauties in it, instead of the 7 that I guess was mentioned on CNN or something.
I don’t know. Mom blew a little nutty and took off.
Toddlers & Tiaras is back.
Cheese dip for everyone!