Friends often ask me if I was afraid to date someone with children. As I shared in an earlier post, I was incredibly self assured about the process until the drive to the restaurant where we were meeting. Stopping along the side of the road to vomit wasn't how I saw the night starting off. Clearly we got through it after I cleaned myself up, chewed an entire box of Altoids, and made it to dinner with a couple minutes to spare.
After we have a good laugh about the story of our first meeting my single girlfriends will often comment on how fearful they are of dating someone with kids. In fact some of my girlfriends have stated they wont date someone with children. This might be an option in your twenties but it's unlikely to be an option if your past over thirty and single. Today there's so many varieties of families that more likely then not, you'll find yourself attracted to a person who has children. Ladies, dating someone with children is something you need to learn to navigate. Here are a few tips that might help.
1. Be honest.
If you're in the dating world and looking for a long term relationship take an honest look in the mirror and determine what you really want. Maybe dating someone with kids is a real turn off for you. While I personally find that logic to be short sided, be honest and don't date someone who has children. It's unfair to everyone (including you) to be in a relationship that isn't long term because of something that will not change.
Maybe dating someone with kids is fine for you but you know you will want more children together. If this is the case, have the conversation up front with the person you're dating. While the conversation doesn't have to happen on the first few dates (wow-that could be uncomfortable), as soon as you both realize this could be something more than weekend dates or a casual fling speak up. If your potential partner doesn't want more children or doesn't believe its best for the children he/she already has you need to know that. It has potential to be a painful conversation but it will be devastating if you're not on the same page when things are really serious.
Maybe dating someone with kids is fine for you and you don't want more children together. This could be because you don't desire them (this was the case for me) or because you have medical concerns that can/will prevent you from having them (also the case for me). Again, have the conversation up front. If your partner and their children want to extend their family further once you're in the picture and you don't, that too will be devastating for everyone involved. You don't want to find yourself in a situation with a child you simply didn't want. No good will come of it.
2. He/She probably isn't looking for a new mommy
The number one complaint I hear from my single friends with kids is that the women they meet try to instantly become Mommy. With rare exception, the kid(s) already has a mommy and it's not your job to replace that person. Especially in the beginning it will be hard to determine your role and every situation is different. If you've been honest about your expectations as a couple the relationship with the children will be much better.
3. Take your time
There's no rush to meet someone's children. You'll know when the time is right. The beginning of a relationship can be heady and blissful making it easy to get caught up in it all and meet the children before your logical brain tells you you're ready. Sneaking in and out of someone's house after bedtime and before the kids wake up is too risky so don't do that either. There's nothing more awkward then running in to a little person you've never met while sneaking in to the bathroom at 2 a.m. A well thought out and communicated plan between you and your significant other will lay the foundation for a great relationship with the kids.
4. Lower your expectations
There will not be perfect family holiday photos in front of the fireplace right from the beginning. Ish relationships take time to build, they have a lot of questions, and they do not come with instant trust. Familial bliss will not instantly occur and you will not instantly have that new mom glow that your friends who had biological children had. This is different. Don't blow your expectations out of proportion. Depending on the age of the children and their relationship to their parent, the fact that they acknowledge you at all may be a victory at the first meeting. Baby steps.
5. It's not about you
It's easy to focus on what meeting the kid(s) will mean to your relationship, your life, and your future plans but it's not about you. The most important person at this meeting is the child. I'm not suggesting that the children should be the only focus or even top priority in an adult relationship. I am suggesting, however, that in the beginning you need to focus on making the young people in the relationship comfortable. Their world is changing too and unlike you they have very little control over what's happening to them. Now the real balancing act comes in not trying too hard because kids will sense that too. If your intentions are pure and you really want what's best for the children first, kids will sense that. They may not show instant gratitude for your pure intentions but with time you'll begin to see the payoff.
I wish you nothing but success in this exciting phase of your life. There are so many great things that can come from the relationships you'll build as an ish. Just hold on and enjoy the ride.