Not sure how to start, I have never done such a thing as pour myself out to even the closest friend or family, even though I have non to call on.
My family contains three people, my sister who is worlds away and my two kids who were placed in foster home on Thursday.
My life most say can be a novel, but I would rather forget it and be someone new.
Born in a third world country, given to family other than my parents to raise me, beaten, molested and verbally abused till the age of 14.
I finally met the woman I dreamed of all those dark days only to realize that her love for me was dissolved into the two children she raised.
I left her home afraid of further rejection, through all that my sister was there if only by phone.
Since childhood I would have nightmares about death because of religious horror stories I was told as a child and I suffered panic attacks.
I started smoking at 13 without anyone’s knowledge.
When I left my mother I was around 16, in a country not my own. I worked the days and partied the nights, didn’t drink or focus on men till I was 18, but all the time before that I was considered a loose girl. I never even kissed a boy till I was 18. I tried not to let any of the gossip bother me.
I built the biggest wall I could find to shield my heart but everyone always said Bella is honest and too naive, been treated like a child ever since I was a child. Anyway I am ranting …
When I came back home at the age of 19 I was all about partying, irresponsible, smoked, drank and smoked weed.
I disappeared to random cities, my sister worried a lot but I didn’t care.
I got pregnant and honestly being scared of what people might say I had a abortion and went on the next few months drowning my self in alcohol for the act that I could not forgive myself for.
Then finally when my sister had a health scare I moved to her city and became room mates and tried to be better, but voluntarily ended in the same crowd.
I met a man and lets just skip to it – I became pregnant again.
The father was a mean and violent and obsessive man, I was scared that keeping the baby would keep me with him.Ii was tried of feeling like a child when I knew I made childish choices.
I tried hurting myself to have a miscarriage.
I have never told anyone this
I could never bring myself to have an abortion again so when his father took me to get one I was scared and confused but because I was so far along they could no longer do the process. A part of me was glad.
On December the 15th 2006 I saw my baby and everything changed it was like love was looking back at me and I felt so guilty I apologised daily.
I left his father, went to a shelter and tried to do it on my own. I got a place but before I moved in I was robed of all the money in my account and couldn’t make it for the movers, so the first few weeks home me and my angel slept on the floor with blankets.
My sons father involved almost every person we knew into our business, people would park their cars and shine their lights on our house at 2+3 am, at night girls would call insulting me . I received random calls and texts from people I didn’t know, telling me things like my daily routine, my sons info. I was worried and moved cities again to keep my son.
We resettled and were happy, everywhere we went people wanted stop and talk about my conduct with my son and think we were siblings and how smart he was at his age. My son was self potty trained at nearly 2 and has wet himself, bed or otherwise only twice in his early years I kid you not.
Once we were settled I met another man, at first he was a friend, we liked the same things and he was fun with my son. We started being around each other every day for many months till we finally we slept together and I fell in love. I started to see the family I wanted, he was loving but firm and honest direct. He was very good with my son and the kids I babysit in the neighbourhood, never inappropriate and trust me I watched his every move.
My life has taught me to trust nobody cause anyone is capable of disgusting acts especially against the innocent and pure. When he called me and said that I might have a STD i went blank. How could someone I am with daily and talk to all the time have done this?
He was sleeping with two or three other girls, the number is still in question as he changes his story. I went to see the doctor, I was afraid that I would have given my son something, sharing a drink, kissing him, I am very paranoid.
I did not have a STD but I was pregnant.
Again I knew I wouldn’t think of abortion, I did love him and he cheated so the trust was gone but i thought of my poor son who I had left out of focus again.
The guilt started depression that I had nearly forgotten my soul mate for a man and now he would have to share my love with another baby.I was worried that I wouldn’t love the baby or the baby would have some sort of problem.
A friend was in trouble at the time and needed a room mate so she and her kids could afford a place, seeing as I was expecting I and didn’t want to be alone I volunteered my family thinking it would better my situation. It didn’t I was losing weight, I started smoking yes I know what all think, but yes I was smoking weed and regular smokes during my entire pregnancy.
I was trash, the father of my daughter would love me today and throw me away tomorrow.
I loved him so much it hurt and I knew I should stop, leave my friend and the father and take my kids, but I couldn’t. I smoked with them, never drank, but what difference is that? I was suffocating my baby.
After months of being the slave in that house, being told not to sleep so much, the teenagers eating up nearly everything in the house and the other mother only contributing to grocery shopping once a month and leaving me having to pay for a one bedroom that I shared with my son. Then the phone bill, cable and heat and water as well as taking her to little ones to school and my son to daycare I was getting sick. I was suffering from dehydration, lack of food.
Her father ran into the emergency department as I alone delivered and welcomed my daughter.
I passed out when the nurse came in and found me holding my daughters head in my hand and she started giving CPR, that was the last thing I remember.
I woke up an hour later with doctors around talking about bacteria or sort. Once they cleaned me up they handed me, I cant even describe for me it was her smell, just as with my son her smell filled my very bone. I named her Righteous because with everything that happened and everything I did to our body, god kept her health.
She was quieter than her brother so I was always worried and filled with quilt. I showered them with kisses daily, told them I loved them. I bought them anything a kid could ever have but when they slept and I folded their clothes I thought about the baby I had killed and what I had tried to do to my son before the ultrasound. I remembered how I tried to hurt myself to have a miscarriage.
I had a difficult time understanding these thoughts and what with the money I owed and the hurtful comments I had received in the past and then the abuse I had suffered as child, I was breaking inside.
I loved people but they didn’t love me back.
But everyday I got up and I tried to prove to my babies that I deserved their love. I started school and was working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week. I lost weight and I met a friend who watched my kids full time, close to nothing she treated them with the same love I would and when i gave her money she would take my babies out. I was tired and hungry but I was happy because they were happy and I was doing what was best for them.
Then came the day my mother started calling and I started to get depressed and thought my mother was what I needed. Family is what is important and the thought that my mother had never once come to see the kids and I never took them to see her started to get to me. I moved again, I came to the city to be closer to her. I have lived here now three years and my kids have spent a total of 15 minuets with their grandmother.
We were left alone in a place not our own, the kids adapted but I cant. I asked for her help and she declined and said she would buy me a car which she never did. She is now raising my cousins kids, two are the same age as my two, after she told me she was to old to raise such little kids, but she has 7 in her care.
My father calls me for money even though I haven’t ever met him and have spoken to him a total of 6 times. My other relatives couldn’t care whether I died in a ditch. I have come all the way from a place I knew to the non known, completely alone and the culture here is completely different. If its not done one way then its wrong, that type of culture.
I have tried to avoid depression but the past two years got so bad that I stopped living and was just there breathing.
I barely shower or eat or sleep and I am online daily looking at my symptoms, trying to figure out whats wrong with me. I am in debt, now on welfare. I have not one friend, my sister is overseas somewhere and I had an anxiety attack on Saturday, I really thought I would die. I ended up at the hospital and since there are no close relatives near to me, my kids went to social services.
I know I need help but there are so many rumours that once your kids are taken in this country that it is not possible to get them back especially if your not a citizen. They took my kids. Social keep saying once I am better ill get them back.
I have never been good at trusting the right people.
Five days, that’s how long my ladybug and lil man have been gone. I have never been apart from them for more then 3 hours or when their at school .
I don’t go out, I have no social life other then taking the kids to children stuff .
I hate being sad or having panic attacks, I hate the weakness of my choices and actions.
I just don’t know, I am not suicidal, I just wanna know whats wrong with me ?
This blog post was submitted to the blog by email and the mother shares her anonymous experience with you in the hope of gaining some advice or support.