The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Now that I had the biopsy over with.  I was waiting.  Just waiting.
Over the next few days after the biopsy, the affected area on my left breast turned into a big ugly, yellow, black and blue bruise.  It was the first time that I could actually see something that made this all seem more real.  I mean with the mammogram and ultrasound you don’t see anything different on your body afterwards.  I also couldn’t see the lump but just feel it.  The biopsy bruise was a visual element that was adding to the experience by leaving a mark.  I could see it and that made it all more real.  More upsetting.

Carefree Days - Carter Bay 2006

The reality of what I was now waiting for started to hit me.  This waiting part was the hardest thing I’d had to do so far.  It was the hardest thing for Mike too.  In fact it really, really sucked.  I found myself going online and looking things up and then I would freak myself out and think that there was no reason for me to be doing this because everything was going to be fine.  Then I would second-guess that and I would go back online and look up some more stuff.  My emotions were all over the place and I was having a hard time focusing on the everyday things going on around me.  They didn’t seem so important but at the same time they were everything.  Those little things kept me going. 

Guardian Angel- My Father's
Garden 2006

Although I’d had a mammogram, an ultrasound, and a biopsy so far, I had received no real results back from any of it.  I couldn’t think past the next few days.  Friday, August 4 was the day that had been booked for me to see a surgeon (remember “should that be necessary”?!?) and I assumed that this was when I would get the results back from the biopsy.  It was agony waiting.  I couldn’t concentrate at work and I couldn’t focus on anything at home and I felt like I was walking on egg shells.  I found myself constantly going back online and looking up information on biopsy results, mammogram results, and gasp – breast cancer.  I kept thinking, “why I am looking up stuff on breast cancer?”.  It’s not that.  Maybe it is that.  It probably is.  That’s why I had to have the biopsy.  No it couldn’t be that.  I’m perfectly healthy and I’m only 40 years old for gawd’s sake.  It was all very confusing and I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster and I just couldn’t get off.
Waiting for the answer just couldn’t come soon enough but at the same time I didn’t want the answer at all. The Waiting is the Hardest Part - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers


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