By Hedge
Those of you who follow me on Tumblr may have seen this post before, or at least the bones of it. I posted what would eventually become this article directly after watching the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer. I was disappointed. So very disappointed. I would eventually watch it another three or four times to collect many of the images you’ll see in the post below. Upon each repeat viewing I would become more and more disappointed.
Join me, as we navigate the clusterfuck of nope that is TMNT2014.
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1. The turtles look hideous.
I think it’s the noses and possibly the lips but they each look ugly as hell. I say that but we actually only get a good look at Leo and Mikey, the latter of which looks especially awful. Also because of their general shape it looks like they overdid torso day. They’re like muscular beach balls on spindly legs.
Hehe. Michaelbayngelo. There is no pic of Donny because at no point does he appear in the trailer. That’s right. One of the title characters remains unseen. For your edification however I provide for you a shot of the toy, which demonstrates um… something.
Also here’s a pic of the Raph toy just for shits’n'giggles.
What’s with his face? His neck!? Perhaps his personal plot is the struggle of trying to pass a kidney stone.
2. Megan Fox. Ugh.
Although in her defence just because she was the worst thing about the Transformers movies doesn’t mean she’ll be the worst thing about this. There’s a lot of competition for that title.
Still, we do have gems like this to look forward to
3. The Plot
So The Shredder worked with April O’Neill’s father to create mutant, turtle based “heroes” for reasons too vague to comprehend other than “the city needs heroes”.
How does one get from A to B in this scenario? I understand training vigilantes like the Foot Clan. I understand a super soldier serum, or machine soldiers but seven foot mutant reptiles with martial arts training? How is that the first step in that conversation?
“You know Dave, this city really is going to shit. Murders, carjackings, robbery is up 56%”
“LET’S MAKE MUTANT TURTLE NINJAS”
“O…kay”
Maybe we’ll luck out and the big reveal will be that Shredder isn’t talking about the Turtles in that scene but whatever the movies villain turns out to be.
4. The Shredder.
The actor playing ‘The Shredder’ is William Fichtner. William Fichtner is an American actor of German ancestry. So clearly he isn’t playing a character named Oroku Saki. Unless he is which raises even further questions.
Shredder, real name Oroku Saki, is a character long established to be Japanese. He is the enemy of Hamato Yoshi, also a Japanese man. Why is he now an American businessman named Eric Sachs? He does seem to be surrounded by Japanese screens. Maybe he is like Johnny Depp or Keanu Reeves in that people want us to believe the character is in some way not white when clearly, clearly that is not the case. Maybe he’s 1/64th Cherokee Japanese
5. Splinter does not appear in this trailer.
He doesn’t even get a mention. He’s the turtles adoptive father, their mentor, and the mortal enemy of the main antagonist. To add to the issues, even when he does appear in the final film he will be played by another white guy, Danny Woodburn.
6. BAYTACULAR explosions and slow motion footage.
Yawn.
Blocky titles with lens flare: check. Glitchy mechanical drone sound: check. Slowmo footage of action scenes: check. Random footage of urban carnage including a helicopter: check. Is Michael Bay aware this is a separate franchise to Transformers because this could easily be confused for a Transformers trailer before the reveal of the hideous turtles themselves.
7. Getting back to the whitewashing again.
Look. I’m not a “Person of Colour”, nor would I like to speak on the behalf of a wide array of cultures and communities not my own but seriously? For a movie about ninjutsu trained heroes and villains there is a serious lack of Asian characters and actors.
In fact, check out the IMDB and you’ll see that among the named cast there is a mere two apparent people of Asian decent. The guys playing the Foot Soldiers aren’t even Asian. They aren’t even giving Asian actors roles as the background people.
Is there some deficit of Asian actors available? Takeshi Kaneshiro, Louis Ozawa Changchien, Ian Anthony Dale, Hiroyuki Sanada, Ken Freaking Watanabe has fucking brand name recognition right there. He was in fucking Batman. These are names that sprung up off the top of my head that have a resume at least good enough to be in a Michael Bay shlockbuster. People who could play a character named Oroku Saki without hassle. Dare I suggest Sanada for Oroku Saki and Kaneshiro for Hamato Yoshi, or is two Asian actors in named roles in the one film too much to expect? And look, I didn’t even do a casting call.
There’s without a doubt more possibilities.Maybe you could give a newcomer a chance? What a novel concept!?
Or, as one Redditor suggested – George Takei for Shredderi!
8. Overall it looks really bland, and not in any way something worth watching.
It’s got the requisite action and CGI mayhem of a summer flick but while I gave Bay a pass on Transformers, I’m not sure I can on this. Don’t get me wrong here the Transformers movies are awfu, but all I really wanted from Transformers was robots beating each other up, and the Decepticons being evil and they managed it mostly, even if I did have to wait until the third movie for any real sense of villainy from the film’s supposed villains but this… Turtles always had more heart than this. The original comics were great, the 80s cartoon was silly hilariousness, the live action movies had soul, except maybe the third one, the modern cartoons, comics and animated movies are actually pretty damn excellent.
Honestly there is a lot we don’t know but what we do know and what we have seen looks entirely skippable. Nothing about this trailer makes me want to see the final movie.
Nothing.
Prove me wrong, universe. Prove me wrong.