Yo. Check it out, ladies. Last year’s glitter eye shadow and I still look hotter than all of you.
One of these days, Alice. POW! Right in the Fabulish kisser!
The only things that can penetrate my Delusional Force Field are magazine royalty checks and body glitter. Bam!
It ain’t Britney, bitch.
I don’t ever like using the C-word or wearing poorly fitted 1970′s Brady Bunch spread collars.
Now that you all mention it, I’ve never seen Joe and Rosie in the same room at the same time. It’s like Clark Kent and Superman…
Ring the bell and grab some snacks, because it’s Jersey Fight Club: Round Two.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion just smeared our screens with more Glitter eyes and Twitter lies for the second of its three installments, and to say that the Borgata hotel, casino, spa and mud wrestling mat was explosive would be a bit of an understatement.
Even though the confrontations were already growing increasingly heated as Part Two began, the chill in the air still rivaled the best granita di caffè con panna from any 1/16th Italian Olive Garden drink special board.
(The above clearly being a pointless sentence, inserted purely to make me appear more worldly and bilingual than I really am. I don’t even drink coffee, people.)
We picked right up where we left off last week with the rampaging Butchzilla Rosie Pierri thrashing her way around backstage, toppling tripod lights and threatening to cut out Teresa‘s tongue for talking smack about her deceased father.
Rosie’s sister Kathy and her new nose had just finished calling Teresa’s mother a F***ing liar (…nice talk, by the way. You eat cannolis with that mouth?…) which in turn had catapulted OK Magazine’s go-to cover girl Tre into some dead dad bashing. In her defense, it wasn’t so much the bashing as the fact that she was digging up a dead man.
Oh, that crazy Tre.
Somebody wasn’t liking it, and Rosie blew a backstage nutty that managed to drown out 5 fully mic’d Housewives sitting directly under those fuzzy overhead sound sticks.
Trust me. You do not want to cut off Rosie’s float during Pride Week, people. Just let her pass and then cross against the lights, or find another way to get where you’re going. Because Rosie has a temper. And Honey Badger Rosie don’t give a s***.
She’s the most loving, squishiest teddy bear of a girl you can imagine, but she’ll pop your head like a beer cap if you cross her or her family. And she proved it as she slammed her way around the maze of electrical wires and lighting equipment.
Have you seen those mini GoPro cameras that kids duct tape to their helmets before they skateboard or jump out of airplanes? It was like that. But more spastic.
Rosie was off the GPS back there.
Luckily, newly skinny Lauren Manzo and her still a little snug leather dress managed to calm Rosie down and convince her to drop her weapons before sending her out to the couches to face off with Teresa.
Not that the other women would have noticed any artillery, because they were having a pretty major meltdown of their own.
As Yoda Caroline tried to explain to Teresa what 15 Minutes of Fame meant, one of the camera guys pulled a Split Screen. And if we’ve learned anything from Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, it’s that the Split Screen means it’s Going Down Town Tonight. Going fast. And going hard.
Melissa and her (…alleged…) copy cat eye shadow blasted Teresa for trying to play the victim card, which Melissa claimed as her own. Throw her a bone, for crying out loud. If she can’t have the glitter look, she wanted the victim card.
“You don’t get to play victim! I’m the victim!” Oh snap. Girlfriend better stop screaming or she won’t be able to sing on Seacrest next week.
(And she don’t lip synch, bitch…stay tuned for that update.)
Rosie calmed down and made it out to chat with the Reality Maestro Andy Cohen, who only 10 minutes into the show was more than likely already sitting in wet pants. He tried to lighten the mood a little by showing a batch of clips featuring Kathy and Rosie being supportive sisters and hugging it out, and then touched on Rosie’s coming out story.
After a few back and forths with Teresa, Rosie (…who may have the best WTF face in New Jersey…) was scooted off stage, but only after Andy clarified that she was indeed Single and Ready to Mingle again.
One of the stocky girls who carried in the Craft Services food table dropped something backstage right about then. Just saying.
Then it was off to Napa and that whole winery vacation mess.
Teresa denied purposely leaving Kathy out of her warm & fuzzy toast at the end of their road trip. She swore that it was just an oversight. Since her cousin was only sitting approximately 4 chairs away from her during that entire dinner, I think she’s gonna have a hard time finding a jury for that one, if you know what I mean.
I tried to count how many times poor Andy snapped his head back and forth during this exchange. Dude’s eyeballs looked like an Atari Pong game. (Put down your Xbox 360 and Google it, kids. I can’t do all the work for you.)
After a delightful exchange that began with Teresa calling BS on Kathy’s fake nose and lips and ended with Mrs. Wakile apologizing for dropping the F-bomb on Teresa’s mother, Tre moved back to her original couch position, which allowed for all of us to not only catch a widescreen glimpse of her butt before she plopped herself down, but also put her dead center back in front of camera #2.
Yeah. I think she knows what she’s doing.
For someone who spent the entire season proclaiming that she was done with Teresa, Mama Manzo certainly ate up a lot of Reunion screen time trying to pound some sense into her head. As everyone relived the last night in Napa when Jacqueline faked narcolepsy and the Boys all pretended to be so far away on the other side of the room that they couldn’t hear what was going on, the Manzo Matriarch definitely got more than 1/16th Italian on Teresa’s a**.
The C-word even came back up again. Not Caroline. The other one. The nasty one.
Andy nervously asked Tre if she felt that Caroline had bullied her all season, as some Twitter Twatters had suggested. She quickly said yes, but then couldn’t come up with one example to support her accusations, no matter how many times Caroline bullied her to answer. Not playground bullying. Just Brownstone bullying. The usual.
Then someone said the D-words. Plural. And that always gets an even bigger rise out of a Jersey Housewife than the C-word does.
Danielle (Staub) and Dina (Manzo.)
I know, right? It is kind of amazing that after (…how many?…) seasons being MIA these two women still have a grip around everyone’s neck. I mean, really.
Is Danielle even alive? I guess she must be, since everyone keeps talking about her tweet. (…I said tweet. Get your mind out of the gutter…) And if you don’t need someone to go to iParty or your cable company doesn’t broadcast HGTV would you even recognize Dina on the street?
But you just say either one of the D-words and it’s a guaranteed volcanic eruption.
When it was obvious that this one was going nowhere after about 20 minutes of soft core bullying, even Caroline gave up on the topic and it was back to Melissa.
Who can sing, thank you very much. And she proved it, just to shut up her sister-in-law.
Over the last two seasons, Teresa had made it blatantly clear in pretty much any media outlet she could get her claws into that she didn’t feel that Melissa could sing without the aid of auto tune and an MP3 iPod lip synch track, so La Gorga finally called her out on the accusations.
It was almost like watching an episode of Glee the way Melissa just broke into song in the middle of a sentence. But the girls on Glee don’t have so much boob showing, and nobody danced, so I knew it was still RHONJ. But it was almost like Glee. Really.
Since everything somehow needs to be centered around Teresa, as soon as Melissa finished her 16 measures of Top 40 acapella it was time for Mrs. Giudice to lay down a few beats to prove that anyone can be a singer.
Or a cookbook author, apparently.
When Melissa accused Teresa of tweeting photos of food that her mother had actually phantom cooked, the whole thing spiraled into more D-words, which spiraled into Melissa’s secret Twitter convo with Danielle a hundred years ago. Which then spiraled into a blurry flashback to that classic RHONJ Reunion where Teresa totally lost her marbles on Danielle and tossed poor Raggedy Andy aside like…well…like Raggedy Andy.
Is Bitch Bettah? Just asking.
Then Teresa suddenly proclaimed that she had ‘let go of all the crazy’ and was now free of Caroline and Jacqueline. Halleloo! To complete the exorcism, she dropped to her knees and waved her hands in the air like those women on the National Geographic channel do when a Coke bottle from America washes up on shore.
Let’s just say it got cray cray and move on.
The only way to possibly top that one and finish off Round Two was for Juicy Joe Giudice to waddle out to the couches and put an end to all the rumors and gossip and cheating accusations.
Or maybe just waddle out to the couches and sit in a sweaty, foggy haze. That’s probably more like it. Let’s all just lower our expectations so we’re not disappointed.
Even after slamming down a full Red Bull in under 5 seconds, Jabba Joe still appeared to be unsure of where he was as Andy quizzed him on The Call.
You know. The cellphone call heard round the World. That one.
The one where he got busted on camera in Napa for talking to who knows who and calling Teresa a Bitch Wife and the C-word. What did he think that microphone pack on his belt was for anyway? And the cameras? Tool.
But Andy wanted to know the deets, and it is his show.
Granted, I would have been more concerned about why Joe was wearing that Greg Brady leisure suit shirt with one sleeve longer than the other, but I don’t work for Bravo.
Yet.
What I could decipher between slurs was that Joe had been talking to a friend who was taking care of things back home while they were jet setting around on Bravo’s Amex. He also explained that he doesn’t like the C-word, but had learned it from Teresa.
(Maybe she should focus on the other C-word: Cooking.)
When asked why he seemed to have been speaking in a number of different languages when he was busted, Jabba slurred something about a Spanish Pizza Guy even though most everyone believed that he was speaking some version of s*** faced Italian.
Something ain’t right.
To stick a fork in it and make sure it was done, Andy asked Jacqueline to elaborate on why she had previously stated that Teresa and Joe put up a front for the cameras, to which she politely declined comment.
Well that’s boring, I thought.
And then Joe slurred that she could say whatever she wanted…he don’t care.
Wait for it…
…and then she did!
Second week. Second stick of Dy-no-mite.
Jacqueline revealed that Teresa had walked in on Joe while he was getting busy with some woman on his desk. Eeww.
Teresa claimed that Chris had cheated on Jacqueline.
Jacqueline blurted out that Teresa had told her that Joe cheated with baby sitters, secretaries and anyone else stupid enough to want a piece of that jelly. I’m not ready for any of that quite yet. Double eeww.
OMG.
And then she was all like Oh You Wanna Play? And then she was all like Bring It. And then Andy was all like google eyes and nervous blinking.
In the middle of it all, Joe actually asked why he was even there. No lie.
(For those of you who missed it the first time: Tool.)
And then it was over.
But the fuse was lit, and next week it’s the B-word.
Boom.