I know you did not just diss Olive Garden.
Are they still behind me? Are they gone yet? Please say yes.
And those bitches think we’re crazy? High five, Gracie.
One week later and The Real Housewives of New Jersey are still uncomfortably sitting around the Count Basie Theatre waiting for their ride home.
Where is that Bravo Shuttle Bus? Seriously. Someone is going to get hurt if that thing doesn’t pull up to the curb pretty soon.
Given the choice of hitting Teresa or hitting the pavement, though both options would undoubtedly end their communal misery, the women have for some reason chosen to stick around for a second serving of their Reunion Show.
I’m thinking it’s mainly due to the fact that they can’t even stand in their Jimmy Choo spikes, much less trek down the Jersey Turnpike…but whatever. Grab a snack. This is gonna be a long one.
Trying to break the tension in the room, Andy Cohen squirms in his special Pee Wee Herman chair and starts out Round #2 with a quick retrospective on how everyone in New Jersey is a horn dog. Smirking like he just found his first dirty magazine in the attic, Andy lets us in on what we kind of already assumed…some Jersey girls are naaaaasty.
Melissa and Joe Gorga grind it out on the docks, in the walk-in closet and the dance floor, while referring to his junk as “Tarzan.” I’m thinking he’s not talking about the cartoon Disney version the way he keeps grabbing ahold of it like it’s 2 outs, bottom of the 9th. Kathy makes her man Richie feel like a King. Teresa dances around in one of her Super Heroine bikinis rubbing up against a whole lot of wet Jabba Joe Giudice.
And speaking of, I easily could have gotten through the evening without seeing greasy Jabba Joe back in bed again. After this past season, between the olive oil stains on the sheets and the belly button lint…I’m all set, thank you. Granted dude only owns three Ed Hardy t-shirts and two bedazzled long sleeved Affliction numbers for fancy nights, but does he have to go topless every episode? My eyes are bleeding and we’re only 5 minutes into this show.
When we cut back to Andy he is asking Melissa how many times a day Tarzan would like to swing from her vines. You need to rewind and look at his face. It’s the same face that kid in third grade made the first time he peeked into the girls’ bathroom. For real.
Melissa’s stories about Joe’s testosterone level, muscles and whether or not she took a high school dip in the “Lady Pond” instantly turned Andy into a mouth breather when he sleeps from now on.
After Andy regained his composure, he hinted at some of Jabba Joe’s alleged affairs, the photos of him and some mysterious woman, and why Jacqueline wasn’t here again.
You do the math.
Next we got another glimpse of Yoda Caroline (“Come and go, friends they do…”) and her Family Gospel Hour radio show. She proudly admits to being a Pitbull, and will attack any Mailman who comes within a choke chain’s length of her children. Even the fat one.
There was not anywhere near enough Crazy Kim G. this season, as was evident from the Holiday party flashback. The one when Yoda goes off on her and one of the interchangeable Manzo Boys shuffles Kim G. out the front door. Caroline casually mentions that son Albie has a gun, and at least two of the Housewives clearly wished she had snuck it into the Theatre in her purse.
Suddenly, with no warning, the gravitational pull of the Earth shifted, nearly sucking ex-Housewife Dina Manzo off her couch at home and spitting her through the front door of the Theatre.
Andy went there.
He asked about the Manzo Sister Feud. He may have some whacky googlie eyes, but Andy’s also got some steel ‘nads to bring that one up in front of everyone, and Pitbull Yoda goes off like a Jersey bottle rocket.
Caroline blames Teresa. Teresa, still wearing that odd Teletubbies dress with the built in TV screen on the chest, starts screaming “Bring it” like she was suddenly on VH1.
Caroline claims there are emails full of smack talk turning Dina against her own sister.
Teresa waves her hands like a true crazy Italian, not one that is only 1/16th, and nearly shakes off some of her own pixie dust make up with all her flailing around.
Seriously? Was her make up done with a fist full of craft glitter and one big breath like you’re blowing out birthday candles? That s*** was everywhere. No wonder she kept picking at it.
This season has given Teresa a seriously nervous tic. Try and count how many times she tugs on the left side of her hair, then tugs on the right side of her hair and then licks the right corner of her mouth. Do it.
Poor Dina, who thought she could just slink away into HGTV oblivion, is suddenly pulled back in like a Star Trek Black Hole just opened up in Joisey. Teresa and Caroline go at it like banshees, unintentionally forcing half of America to jump up and immediately set their DVR for a Series Recording. Next season is going to be a throw down and I don’t want to take any chances on forgetting to tape this badboy. Better safe than sorry.
So Dina Manzo, who up until this summer when she adopted a two legged dog, was most famous for fighting with Danielle Staub ( _rostitution _hore! I’d like to buy a “P” and a “W,” Pat…) is suddenly back on the front burner thanks to Teresa. Even though she did not get the official Manzo GPS bracelet for the holidays, she is still family, and we already know how protective Caroline is about those people. It wasn’t pretty.
Andy squirmed again, and tried to get the girls to dish about spoiled brat Ashley, since she wasn’t there to defend herself, and her mother hated Teresa. Anything that ends in “hated Teresa” always makes for good Bravo TV. Since Ashley’s story got tossed aside pretty quickly at the end of the season, we didn’t have to spend much time on that one.
An even shorter snippet on Kathy’s sister Rosie followed next, which was a basically an opportunity to see all of her “I hate Teresa” faces and some of Rosie’s more memorable costumes. My favorite, the Pirate was there, as well as the Train Conductor and a few other random bits of oddness. Her closet must look like the back room at iParty.
I still swear she has the best deal in television, next to Wonder SissyDog Giggy from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Tell me you wouldn’t want to be carried around all day wearing a velvet onesie? Wrong show, I know, but that dog has it made.
After looking at those two quirky family members, Kathy’s kids get their air time and seem downright normal, but it leads into the beginning of Teresa’s crumble on stage.
She states that she was at the hospital everyday when Victoria was in the hospital, then gets called out on it and immediately changes it to a few times. That’s a big difference, lady. Then she tugs on her hair, licks one side of her mouth and tries to get out of it by doing damage control and claiming she doesn’t sweat the small stuff.
Teresa tries to “distant” herself from any drama. And any junior high grammar books as well.
Tossing fuel on the fire, Andy brings up the fact that Teresa’s children were left “unattended” at the infamous Christening WrestleMania Event, and…well…BOOM goes the dynamite. Again.
And then it somehow morphs into Christmas Eve when Melissa and Joe left Teresa’s early to go to Kathy’s where all the good food was…duh.
(Right about now, behind the Theatre out in the Bravo TV Production van, I will bet you money the producers are high fiving each other for lighting this fuse.)
The whole thing collapses in on itself the way any good Reality TV Reunion Show is supposed to…other networks should be taking notes.
Caroline would like to leave, but the shuttle bus is still MIA. Teresa is selfish. For something that is supposed to be all about the children, it all seems to keep coming back to Teresa. Her kids were “devastated” that Uncle Joe left early. Since Teresa’s kids are in a constant state of hyper yelling on a daily basis, I don’t really know how one would differentiate that from holiday devastation…but who am I to judge?
Then we get to revisit Teresa’s claims that Melissa copies her on everything from looks to whatever else pops into her head between breaths and hair tugs. Let’s just say that the only job worse than being a Giudice Financial Advisor right now would be to get hired as a member of the Giudice Public Relations Team.
As the screaming went on, part of me was embarrassed that I was watching this train go off the track, while the other half was hoping there was still another hour left.
When Andy asked if Teresa had any regrets about anything that she had said this season, and she drew a complete blank, it was a Classic Reality Television Moment when Melissa reaches under the cushion, pulls out her phone and starts reading off all the smack that Teresa has dished out both on and off camera.
At first I think Kathy thought she was going for Albie’s gun and slid to the other end of the couch, but it was just a phone.
The rest of the Reunion simply got messy and everyone accused everyone else of being bad parents and poor role models and pretty much exhibited the kind of behavior that they all say they don’t like.
Since Teresa had recently offended the entire Jewish community with one of her comments, it was only fair that Jabba Joe do the same towards the Gay Community. She awkwardly tried to get out of that one, but the deck was pretty well stacked against her by now.
Caroline had a few final flips regarding little RunAwayFromThePizzeriaGia who gave that tearful performance as a final attempt to try and salvage what is left of her family, and one or two more flips on poor Dina, who was sitting at home hot glueing a lampshade and probably had no idea she was being discussed on national television.
Usually these Reunions end with at least one fake hug or handshake, but these Housewives were stuck on the couch like four of Dina’s sequins.
No love.
So much for Family, I guess.
Until next season that is.
Bring it.