In England we call it Five Upside The Head. You wanna try some of this?
Blah Blah Blah Eddie Cibrian Blah Blah LeAnn Rimes Blah Blah Bitch.
Well look at those things. They’re barely staying in your dress. That’s just gross.
I’d like to see any of them do a split without breaking a hip. Haters.
You Cougar bitches know you’re nothing without me, right?
Mark your calendars.
Mondays are Trash Day.
Don’t forget to bring your trash cans down to the end of the driveway for pick up.
Mondays are also The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Day, and after all your hard work the Wives are bringing that trash right back into your house and dumping it in the middle of your living room.
It was the RHOBH Reunion: Part 2 and this week there was plenty of Trash to pick up.
Trashy Talk. Trashy Tweets. Trashy Outfits. The Trash Trifecta.
For Part Deux we started out with a little Brandi clip montage that was overpacked with more goodies than the top of her signature strapless dress.
Smiley, squirmy King of All Things Reality Andy Cohen showed us how Brandi was initially integrated into this season’s Beverly Hills Housewives scene. Whereas some animals, like abandoned kittens, beached dolphins or seals that have been rescued from oil slicks are gradually introduced back into their new environments, Brandi’s arrival was probably more akin to that of an elephant with one tusk getting dumped out of a plane as it skimmed the top of the trees.
With one stiletto, two crutches and zero filter between her brain and her mouth, Brandi landed in 90210 and hit the ground hobbling.
Blessed with a sailor’s mouth, a cheatin’ ex-husband and a young son able to whip it out and tinkle on any Garden Party before the second course is even served, I think it’s safe to say that Brandi has had a little trouble making friends.
The discussion heads right to the infamous Game Night, when it was Brandi vs. Everyone Else.
You remember that night. Brandi called out Kim for being hooked on Crystal Meth. Kyle blew a major nutty at the accusation and the Richards Sister Act got right up in Brandi’s face, complete with their attempts at sassy VH1 black girl finger waving and Kim’s now infamous “Slut Pig” insult.
Ironically, Brandi didn’t seem to mind the “Slut” part of the insult, because that’s pretty much been her nickname since Junior High. She laughed that part off a lot which led me to believe that somewhere on her body she was wearing at least one article of clothing with “slut” embroidered on it even as the Reunion was taking place.
She and Kyle went back and forth quite a bit on the Game Night fiasco. Both of them owned up to some of the drama with Kyle admitting to being defensive about Kim’s 42 trips to the bathroom, and Brandi pleading guilty to being pushed to the breaking point.
Turns out that after the fact, Kyle had sent Brandi a lengthy text about the whole thing and tried to smooth over some of the…umm…less flattering moments of the evening.
These women text a lot.
A lot.
Kyle must have the kind of keyboard you can turn sideways and type on, because otherwise who has the patience to type a long text to someone like Brandi? Seriously.
Text or not, there is still no love between these two as Brandi gets into another heated discussion on bullying and Kyle gives her that condescending, look down your nose at people look that she does so well and so often, and that from now on I will refer to as the Kyle Face for ease of reading.
Taylor jumped into the middle of the trash heap by pointing out that Brandi threatened to KILL Kyle or Kim or both. As in take someone’s life. With everything that has gone down in Taylor’s life this year, she is not a big fan of physical abuse and death threats.
Go figure.
Lisa, who somewhere between Hawaii and this week has gotten awfully chummy with Brandi, came to her defense and tried to explain what Brandi meant by “I’ll F***ing Kill You!”
Personally, I thought “F***ing Kill You” was already pretty self explanatory but Lisa felt the need to do some crazy hand waving, sign language kind of thing which would have been way cooler if she had been wearing finger puppets.
Andy decided to break the tension for a minute by letting everyone blurt out their favorite cuss word. I’m surprised Brandi could narrow it down to just one, but somehow she managed. Hearing the (bleeped) out words made Andy giggle like he was in a tree house looking at his Dad’s dirty magazines. I’m starting to think that Andy might actually be an 11 year old boy and Bravo simply sped up his growth rate in a laboratory, because he always has that child like wonderment in his eyes when he hears a potty mouth or sees anything nasty.
And as long as they were talking trash, wide eyed Andy asked them to explain the difference between dressing Sexy and dressing Slutty.
Everyone basically pointed to Brandi while Kyle made the Kyle Face again. No matter what kind of fancy trash bag you use, if you fill it with trash it’s still trash.
Needless to say, it was a pretty quick discussion.
Someone at Bravo must have gotten a new video editing software suite, because next we got the evening’s second montage…this time of Lisa vs. Taylor. You know the one.
The whole “If you can’t be my friend please don’t be my enemy” Tea Party thing where Lisa and Taylor went from not really being friends to Vegas Chippendale booty grinding BFFs. That one.
Taylor admitted to not really understanding Lisa’s snarky British humor and Lisa came across like she had a bit of a Savior Complex. Or more than a bit.
Turns out that part of Taylor’s original issues with Lisa stemmed from all the bad names that Giggy was tweeting.
Giggy.
Tweeting.
He’s a dog.
And he was tweeting.
Considering that most sissy Pomeranians that I have come across in my lifetime can’t even hold their pee when you get within 3 feet of them, tweeting is a pretty nifty trick to teach a dog. Point goes to Lisa on that one.
Then Andy decided to toss a grenade into the middle of the room, and confronted Lisa on the rumors that everyone talks about her behind her back.
Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os, Andy.
It was all over the place after that one, in that delightfully high class Beverly Hills meets low class Suburban Mall Mean Girl kind of way that I love so much.
Here’s how it went down. Take a deep breath…
Brandi told Lisa that people who work for Adrienne said that Adrienne talks trash about Lisa behind her back, and the whole thing turned into the Brandi vs. Adrienne Grudge Match.
Brandi and Adrienne went back and forth…and back and forth…and back and forth…on who said what about who and who doesn’t respond to texts, and who only tweets, and who doesn’t respond to tweets or retweet tweets and who invited who to whose Halloween Party and Birthday Party and if Lisa had an ulterior motive for even putting up with Brandi and by the way, how in the (bleepin’ bleep) does Brandi keep those enormous boobs in her dress?
Ok. Maybe one of those things is made up, but it’s up to you to figure out which one. Make it a drinking game or something.
Anyway, good thing there’s a rewind button on the DVR because this thing went on and on.
There were loads of Kyle Faces during this exchange, by the way. Loads.
In a remarkable bit of seemlessly integrated yet unrelated bitching, the whole mess suddenly swung in Camille’s direction as she got sucked into the Black Hole of Trash Talk when she had to point out that Taylor was lying about something or other, and then right back to Brandi dragging the deceased Russell Armstong into the mix. Brandi claimed that Russell told her that Taylor knew about the threatening email he sent to Camille, which almost shot Taylor off the couch before she counter attacked by dragging Eddie Cibrian into the pig pile.
Yup. Time for the weekly Eddie Sucks But Not As Much As LeAnn Rimes Sucks spin out. Brandi can be pretty sloppy when she’s tanked up on Xanax, but you have to admire who ‘nads when it comes to bashing her Ex.
After proudly admitting to slitting the tires of Eddie’s motorcycle, Brandi turns her attack back in Taylor’s face and makes a dig about Taylor’s new book.
Dissing Spousal Abuse and Suicide was probably not in Brandi’s best interest, and if she was famous enough to need a publicist that poor schmo would have a big clean up on his hands tomorrow.
But she’s not. Just ask LeAnn Rimes.
After about a dozen or so Kyle Faces, Kyle felt it was necessary to point out that someone died here, people, but that didn’t seem to have much effect on Brandi.
Watching a dead person all season is one thing, but talking smack about him is another. It got a little creepy for a few minutes until Andy decided to flip it back to some living hot messes.
For the second week Andy glanced over at the pile of pillows that were standing in for Kim while she is rehabbing, and asked Kyle how that whole thing was going.
Not much to report…they must be saving it for the Part 3. Is it just me, or is this thing dragging out longer than a Dancing With The Stars finale?
Not complaining. Just stating a fact.
And by now you should know the rules. If Brandi gets to trash talk Eddie, then Camille gets to trash talk Kelsey Grammer. It’s in the Bravo Employee Handbook.
Slap. And she did.
When Andy pointed out that this year introduced the new and improved Camille 2012 model, it was the perfect opportunity to blow Frasier right off his bar stool.
Camille Grammer. I bow to you. I’m not worthy.
Girlfriend got about as many zings in as she could between commercials. Kelsey didn’t stand a chance.
He also doesn’t stand a chance of ever getting that six pack her new Boy Toy has, so good luck with that one. Again with the zing.
For the soap opera cliff hanger to get us all back next time, Andy revisited the Russell storyline and dug a little deeper into the abuse. He brought up all the uncomfortable stuff, including when the abuse began and how Taylor oddly left a briefcase full of mystery items next to the body where she found Russell.
Then out of left field he casually mentioned that maybe Taylor may believe it was not suicide…but murder?
And then–wha–nothing? It’s over till next week?
Gah.
Giggy is gonna have a lot to tweet about tonight.