Mystery document
Much has been said about how it came to pass that the Monmouth RC men’s Vet C crew came to win the Vets’ Head this year. Some have gone so far as to suggest that their victory might not have been solely the result of their innate strength and talent, but was attributable to an act of God.
In a startling turn of events, I can reveal that this remarkable feat was, in fact, foretold in scripture. A document has come into my possession in circumstances that will remain shrouded in mystery. All I can say is that the man who presented it to me gave his name only as Mustafa Beer. The parchment itself was hard to decipher, but eventually gave up its secrets. In generations to come, scholars will wonder at its contents.
The reading is taken from the book of Mark, Chapter Eight, starting at the 21st verse.
21 Through the winter the men and women toiled. And there were great floods and all the land was covered in waters from the river like the floods of the Nile. And the peoples of the club were unable to toil anymore.
22 And when the waters receded, there was an unholy mess, and the peoples set about their tasks with brushes and shovels. And all was as new. And they trained again, even in the land of Belgium, to the East.
23 Then there came the day of reckoning, when the eight of the Good Lady Elizabeth was to be chosen. And the men toiled and sweated and cursed upon their machines, and Mark, the 8th Disciple, chose the other seven.
24 And, as is the way, there was much consternation as to his choice and there followed a flurry of texts and emails.
25 But the Disciples set about their task.
26 Mark sat at the feet of the Good Lady with the Disciples in a line behind him. And they moved her across the waters, sometimes together, but usually like an drunk spider.
27 And the Lady Elizabeth spoke in strange tongues, teaching them the commandments:
1 Spread the work.
2 Front wheel drive.
3 Battle paddle.
4 Eyes to the horizon etc.
28 And soon it came to the day before the Great Race on the Great River, to the East, in London.
29 But the people were perplexed, for the tide was to be from the West.
30 And Jonathan, the 3rd disciple and barrister at the Temple said: “This is fucking ridiculous”. And they all agreed.
31 And the next day, James, the first disciple, and Mark, went in search of their appointed number, which was to be be 21.
32 But the number was not in its place. The disciples hunted high and low, whilst the women of the club had a hissy fit, as their trestles were missing. The men were sore afraid of them, though they pretended to be cool.
33 And so they were appointed with new numbers, thanks be to God.
34 And on the day of the race, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and beating of breasts, as the rowers and organisers contemplated the tides.
35 And then all the boats from far and wide, in many splendid colours, started the race.
36 And suddenly the Lady Elizabeth could not speak, as if struck down by the Holy Spirit. This struck fear into her disciples, as they thought it an omen from God.
37 Her cox box had packed up.
38 And the boat started out in last position, as was foretold by their number.
39 And the men raced hard, as they had learnt the commandments. Though they sorely missed the voice of their cox.
40 And as soon as the race was finished, and he had stopped throwing up, James was taken to the land of Egypt, as if he did not go, he feared crucifixion, and his parts being crushed by stones.
41 And the race was won, as was foretold in the Parable of the Tides:
42 THE LAST SHALL BE FIRST AND THE FIRST SHALL BE LAST.
Here endeth the lesson.