THE HEARTLESS URCHINS
1. EXT. STREET ALLEY, CITY
We see a STREET CORNER, possibly sepia-toned. It is very OLDE-WORLDE, almost 30s, very kind of LITTLE RASCALS/OUR GANG feel. We see a bunch of figures sorting through bins. The HEARTLESS URCHINS, the tough, short, close-cropped black-haired, messy-faced ARMS, the bowl-cut-haired, oversized white lab-coat-wearing, bespectacled PROF, the blonde pigtailed LEGS, the tomboyish, PEPPERMINT PATTY-esque TAFFY who wears a sack-dress, and their leader BADGER, who is dressed in badger fur. BADGER jumps into the BIN, tossing all the rubbish out of it, and rolls down the hill in it, knocking down the fence of the GROUCHY OLD MAN NEIGHBOUR/TEACHER, MR. CREPE. ARMS runs out. MR. CREPE looks oddly threatened by the large but angry child, ARMS. The innocent LEGS and TAFFY jump through the fence's ruins and steal the gnomes left on the corner. The gnomes' fishing rods are then used by PROF and BADGER to fish in the pond of the disgruntled MR. CREPE, who is forced to sit on a deckchair, while ARMS sits on MR. CREPE's knee, giving him pressure and causing the deckchair to slowly break down. BADGER and PROF fish out pairs of soaking wet women's tights.
LAP-DISSOLVE.
2. INT. FUNERAL HOME
We see the HEARTLESS URCHINS, ten years later, teenagers. BADGER now has striped black and white hair and is dressed quite 90s goth in black trenchcoat. LEGS is in ashort mini-skirt/short shorts and her blonde hair is now in a ponytail. PROF looks the exact same as he did, but taller. ARMS is dressed in a white T_shirt, shorts, a whistle around his neck like a PE TEACHER/COACH and TAFFY has now reddish hair and looks like a slightly more worldly-wise, cynical version of her pre-teen self. Their names are seen above their heads, as they are pressed against the walls at a terrible party. Above their names is a banner reading "CLASS H-8-A SAY RIP, MR. CREPE". Everyone seems not to notice he's dead. They seem happy, carefree, almost excited that this much-maligned teacher has died. It is not so much a funeral, but ann underwhelming comprehensive school dance c. 1983. There are bowls of crisps, trays of sandwiches, beers, even a birthday-type cake with pink icing lettering reading "DON'T WORRY - WE DON'T MISS YOU!". The FIVE HEARTLESS URCHINS then turn and look at each other. They realise, they now are teenagers, but haven't seen each other in years. They begin INCOMPREHENSIBLE CHATTER, rosy smiles abound, some even hug each other.
3. EXT. STREET ALLEY, DAY
We see the FIVE returning to the very same STREET, which has changed. Now dominated by huge skyscrapers. CREPE's house/row of houses is gone. However, the old BINS are still there. Each URCHIN climbs into the BINS. ARMS gets stuck.
4. UNDERGROUND CLUBHOUSE
We see a BLACKBOARD, some kid chairs and tables and a pile of mangy, moth-bitten old toys, and some sandwiches covered in flies. Everything is layered in at least four or five coatings of dust. The URCHINS slide down the slide-chute from which the BINS are connected. The last to slide down is ARMS, who breaks the slide. PROF and BADGER, rivals both rush to the blackboard pick up the almost-desecrated chalk and begin scribbling ideas. "LET'S RECLAIM OUR CHILDHOOD!" writes BADGER. PROF puts the words "BEST HEIST EVER". LEGS comes up, takes BADGER's chalk and puts "FUNFAIR". ARMS then takes the chalk and puts "FREAK-SHOW!". LAP-DISSOLVE to BADGER and PROF drawing circus tents, gorillas, ropes and such, trying to cultivate a plan. The final image is of a badly-drawn GROUCHO MARX MASK. Everyone nods and claps hands.
5. FUNFAIR
We see an idyllic funfair behind idyllic redbrick seaside terraces, in an idyllic green, thickly-grassed but nowhere near unkempt park. It is all oddly neat. Friendly clowns give children balloons. A marvellously-moustached JUGGLER juggles flaming feathers, looking slightly disappointed, hinting that he is actually juggling the remains of dead birds burnt alive. We see ARMS showing mounds of pink cotton candy into a popcorn machine to produce a (in his eyes) delicious hybrid. He looks dreamy.
Meanwhile PROF sees a stall with a jar of jelly beans and a sign reading "Guess correctly how many jelly beans and win a prize of your own choice." He takes out a calculator and begins calculating. Behind and above him, we see BADGER up in a tree, holding binoculars to his eyes.
POV SHOT - Through BADGER's eyes, staring at balloons tied to the top of a CIRCUS TENT.
CUT - BADGER's eyes bulge out like a character in a TEX AVERY cartoon. He is delighted by balloons.
TAFFY is seen next to a GORILLA CAGE, with a mangy ape-suited GORILLA. TAFFY is seemingly feeding the GORILLA her finger to suck on it. He see in her other hand a fistful of false disembodied fingers. As the GORILLA tears off the fake finger, a magnetic lock-pick falls out and attaches to the lock, slowly but automatically levering it and opening it. THE GORILLA jumps out and scares everyone. As the GORILLA moves out, we see that behind him is a crate full of balloons. TAFFY looks around, and forgets she needs a pump. LEGS appears in a wheelchair for some reason, holding a metal spanner. Her feet lift up, to reveal why she is in a wheelchair - she is carrying a saxophone with her legs. TAFFY begins to use the spanner to turn the saxophone into a balloon bump. CROSS-FADE as balloons flow out of nowhere.
We see the FIVE URCHINS gather. PROF gives them a thumbs up, as adults excitedly, delightfully run alongside each other, chasing the balloons, all of which are freed. The balloons on the circus tent are budged away by the other balloons.
PROF writes on the back of a van with paint - "MISSION - RECLAIM CHILDHOOD - COMPLETE". Everyone smiles and looks up.
The end.