Monday
Beard Face’s latest job venture was to contact the local council and see if they’d be interested in a leaf picker. It is autumn and fallen leaves are plentiful but the old boy was suggesting he would pick them up by hand one at a time. He reckoned he could average about 20 leaves an hour if he really pushed himself. Unsurprisingly, the council said there was more chance of them hiring Mad Max to teach the kids the values of community service.
Tuesday
Beard Face was congratulating himself today after coming up with a concept for a new TV show. Basically it’s Deal or No Deal only the red boxes are lunch boxes and instead of the contestant being called by a banker, they’re contacted by a spanker. He didn’t explain this bit in any detail so your guess is as good as mine. Beardy’s name for this new game show is Meal or No Meal. The fool has already started pitching it to Channel 4 but something tells me they won’t be commissioning it any time soon. It’s days like these that you have to count your blessings.
Not quite Lewis Hamilton but you get the idea.
Wednesday
The Apprentice was once again on the agenda tonight and, oh boy, the humans were demonstrating just how stupid they were. An advertising campaign for a new energy drink was their challenge and one group had a logo so good that you couldn’t actually read it. I’ve heard some people say that a lot of the Americans aren’t particularly smart but our British representatives didn’t exactly cover themselves in glory during their trip to the U S of A this week. I am becoming worried for Lord Sugar. The candidate’s this year couldn’t find the exit in a one path maze.
Thursday
Opera recital today as Frodo gathered us all together. He tried to rally the troops initially with Gangnam Style but when that failed we moved onto Amazing Grace. It’s hard to describe just how painful the rendition was. It wasn’t enough to break glasses or anything but it would have shattered the hearts and souls of all that dared to pass by. Thankfully, local news reported that casualties were at a minimum. Try to imagine Amazing Grace with Charlie contributing lyrics such as “Bitchin’” and “Ass Whoop” and you get the idea of what I was up against. The session lasted seven hours!
Friday
Beard Face continues to have problems with Dexter. He’s on Season 4 and is struggling to get his head around John Lithgow as the Trinity Killer. First he wanted to know if the Trinity Killer was using a giant sasquatch to murder his victims, then he wondered if he did his crimes under the guise of Lord Farquaad, and finally Beardy believed that an alien family known as the Solomons were beaming down from space and committing the murders, framing the Trinity Killer in the process. Dexter is compelling viewing but it’s not overly complicated to keep track of…unless your Beard Face.
Saturday
After weeks of moaning and some very unsubtle hints, Frizzy Hair finally cut Beard Face’s hair. I don’t mean his facial hair, there isn’t enough to warrant a trim, but his actual head hair. Numerous styles were considered before Beard Face asked for an Ace Ventura look with a hint of Brad Pitt in Troy and Chris Hemsworth in Thor. Frizzy Hair thought about it then just shaved off all of the old boy’s hair. Being the dimwit that he is, Beardy simply nodded his approval and said it was precisely what he’d asked for.
Sunday
It was a family gathering this afternoon as the Formula 1 season came to an end. We were united in hoping that Lewis Hamilton would win his second world title and the super fast Brit duly did, effectively ending the race as a contest in the first corner. What a guy. His title rival, Nico Rosberg, suffered car trouble which Charlie said was down to him telepathically sending flatulent odours to scupper the German’s race. We humoured Charlie and just enjoyed the celebrations instead. Well done Mr Hamilton, even I was impressed with your driving skills.
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