Monday
The job hunt continued for Beard Face today. He set his sights on being a multi-purpose road sign. After contacting the local council, the old boy convinced them to head outside and watch a demonstration of his signing ability. Examples of beardy’s actions included squatting (slow down), jumping (up your speed), smiling (most likely for intimidation), shaking his head (stop), nodding his head (proceed) and crying (hazard up ahead). Unsurprisingly, the council have decided to stick with the inanimate road signs.
Tuesday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have been watching Ramsay’s Hotel Hell. Whenever the title credits are played out they continue to complain about the theme song, saying it doesn’t make sense. They’re quite right, the lyrics are a load of nonsense, but then again the music accompanies Gordon wandering around avoiding flames and giant spiders so such complaints don’t really seem justified. Also, why does Gordon insist on displaying his bare arse in every episode? At least the underwear doesn’t come off in the kitchen…as far as we know!
Thank goodness for inanimate road signs. Beard Face’s alternative is still giving me nightmares.
Wednesday
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” Beard Face asked.
“Leave the room, or I jam this lamp up your emergency exit,” I responded.
“No, because it wanted to get to the other side.”
Beard Face is currently in A&E seeing a doctor, a surgeon and a lamp specialist.
Thursday
Charlie hasn’t been so good today. He seems to be in pain but is in complete denial to the rest of us. I shouldn’t be surprised. Charlie once told me that if one of his soldiers had an arm or leg blown off in battle, he’d insist they continue because you have two of each limb. Obviously if you lost both legs or arms then crawling while firing a gun with your teeth would be the next step.
Friday
It was a tough day for Charlie today. He ended up at the vets and much to his dismay they informed him he is going to have some teeth out. Charlie accepted the sentence but while a prescription for antibiotics was being written, he added the vets surgery to his little book of persons/things/others to eliminate.
Saturday
FA Cup shocks galore this weekend. Crazy stuff. Bradford won at Chelsea and it was beautiful. Charlie said it was obvious that the minnows would win because he had orchestrated the whole thing via the use of a little red button which, when pressed, turned the Chelsea players into zombies. Charlie pressed it four times during the match and on each occasion Bradford scored a goal. Unbelievable. I’m now curious about which team Charlie will try to help win the Cup. Definitely not Beard Face’s Barnsley FC. They went out months ago.
Sunday
Poor Charlie is really being made to suffer while he awaits his return trip to the vets. Frizzy Hair has bought him a coat designed for small dogs and that makes him look like a bank robber. He’s made his contempt for the outfit very clear with the infamous Feline Glare of Doom but Frizzy Hair continues to gush about how cute he looks. Normally I would revel in the self-proclaimed dictator getting his comeuppance for once but I actually feel sorry for him.
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