From a young age I had religion shoved down my throat. The bible was used to beat my head in and twist the daily rules of life into something that made no sence. “Your body is a temple” was always the phrase used during being sexually abused. As you can imagine this was not really a good association of the love of God in my life….
When my parents finally divorced the summer after high school, my church pastors sat me down and told me how much my father loved me, and how bad of a daughter I was! Of course when we abruptly left my father he threw a major tantrum fit and called everyone on the planet who believed him and spread his ugly rumors all over the place to overt the attention off of who he was. A classic case of what he did all the time at the house anyway, crying like a little girl to get attention.
Never the less I am terrified to go to church again. I am terrified of basically most things. Especially getting close to people. It easier to keep people at a distance and subconsciously end up finding some way to push them away.
The car is a place of escape. Sometimes when things get overwhelming I scream at the top of my lungs for help, because no one can hear me in there and think I am crazy. Sometimes I cry so hard I can hardly see the road. It is great form of releasing the things that need to be said. Hashing things out with God.
Sometimes in the car I listen to music and feel that God still loves me, and this is such an overwhelming experience. I am terrified to trust anyone or anything. I know that these are lies that must be faced head on. I know there is no other way to find peace. I ask God how he could love such a flawed individuals. I am yet to comprehend but I continue to press towards finding something real in faith. … There must be hope ahead.
I am not a mistake because of my father, and neither are you.
How do you feel about faith growing up and now? I would love to hear your stories.
Stay strong <3 you are not alone