I’m really excited to be posting my first column here at The Indie Exchange. I hope I can come a little bit close to doing justice to the other great writers here.
I spent a bit of time thinking about a good way to kick off my career as an Indie Exchange columnist. And then I got an idea which I thought was quite neat. I’d been reading an online column that listed a bunch of famous author insults – you know the kind where writers show how clever and witty they are, and what impeccable taste they have, by putting down other writers in the most clever and witty and withering way – I think it might have been this one here – http://www.examiner.com/article/the-50-best-author-vs-author-put-downs-of-all-time.
Anyway, this got my thinking about how good that would be. One of the great perks of being a truly famous writer would definitely be the liberty to be able to throw out these amazing insults at other writers and their works. And then, when I considered it a bit more, I thought why wait till I’m famous? I could get started right now.
There was just one problem. I’m actually a really nice guy. What, you don’t buy that? Ok, if you must know, I have a chronic fear of conflict. I don’t like doing anything that might lead into a fight or disagreement of any kind. And if I posted up arch and nasty comments about other writers, I suspect there’s a wee, small chance that this could happen. Ok, one possible way around that is to only insult writers who are already dead and buried, but even that isn’t risk free. Most of those writers probably have fans who are well and truly alive and willing to take up the fight on their idol’s behalf.
This really left me with one option only. The only author I could possibly insult was myself. I know, it seems to limit the possibilities a bit, but as I don’t have any better ideas, let’s get started with the insults.
Number 1: Jonathan Gould writes stories that are very, very silly.
Ok, maybe not the most arch and witty putdown ever, but give me a break. This is the first time I’ve ever done this.
Number 2: They say all good things come to an end. Luckily, so do Jonathan Gould’s books.
Yow-kapow. That’s a bit more like it. Let’s see if we can do even better.
Number 3: Jonathan Gould says his books stand out from the crowd. So does a bald wallaby, but you don’t see me wanting to read that either.
Definitely warming up now. And did you like how I brought in the Australian reference? Pretty arch and witty if you ask me.
Number 4: Jonathan Gould’s stories might take you to a faraway place, but when I read them I wish he was in a faraway place.
Hey, that’s getting a bit mean, don’t you think? A bit personal too if you ask me.
Number 5: You’ll need a dictionary to try and figure out all the strange words Jonathan Gould uses in his stories. Come to think of it, reading a dictionary would be a preferable option.
Now that’s getting beyond the pale. I’m starting to get really upset about this. What right do I have to say such horrible things about myself. If this keeps up, I’m going to stop talking to myself for good.
Number 6: Jonathan Gould’s books are so bad, they… You know something? I don’t think I want to do this anymore. I don’t think my fragile ego can take anymore.
What? I said I was going to post 50 putdowns? You mean I have to find 45 more ways to diss on myself? Forget that. Just read the above five insults nine more times and that will do it.
Till next month, I think I’m going to spend the rest of my time being nice.
View Jonathan Gould’s profile page